Dec 8, 2009

Claireyisms

At some point, i'm going to have to listen to my peeps and publish a book of the funny shit Clairey says.

Last night, I was lying in bed with the girls (okay, actually, I fell asleep with the girls and stayed there all night), and they were chit-chatting about all the things little girls chit-chat about. Which, those of us with girls know, it's absolutely nothing. They just like to expend air and hear themselves talk.

All of a sudden, Clairey busts out with, "Nannie has a black soul." 'Nannie' is my ex-husband's mom. She's nice. I'm pretty sure her soul isn't black. Unless, of courses, she has some kind of back-history that none of us know about. Anyways, I say, "What?!" and Clairey says, "You know, because she smokes."
"So, you mean she has 'black lungs'," I say.
"Yeah, that," says Clairey.

Black lungs, black soul--it's all the same.

Nov 20, 2009

Tito---you know you missed him

Here are Tito's annual Halloween pics (a tradition to be started NOW). For those of you that are new here, Tito's a Sphynx aka a hairless cat. We lovingly call him "El Gato Muy Guapo." He has a large Facebook following. He feels like velvet or a chamois. Very soft. Very snuggly. Yeah, a little Yoda-ish, but we love him. Plus, how many of YOU can blow raspberries on your cat's belly without getting a mouth full of hair? Yeah, that's what I thought.

El Gato hamming it up for the camera




Singing "Senor Don Gato"--he's such the performer


And just posing. He knows his good side.

My favorite things




320 Sycamore is having a "Favorite Things" party, and i'm joining in the fun! Here a few of MY favorite things:

Origins Ginger body smoother: the smell! Oh, i want to eat it straight out of the tub. It smells absolutely wonderful, and leaves your skin oh-so-soft.


Chanel No. 5: Classic. Not too overpowering; just a soft, powdery scent.


Jane Austen novels: I love every. single. one.


Pine Sol: Yes, I'm OCD. The first step is admitting it. :) I LOVE me some Pine Sol!! Love the smell!


My babies: No, you can't have them.


Godiva Pumpkin truffles: Droooool!! These are my absolute fave! Seasonal though, so you have to stock up in Oct/Nov!



The Vintage Pearl: Gorgeous, handmade jewelry at reasonable prices!


Covergirl Outlast lipcolor: The ONLY lipstick that has ever truly stayed on me. Apply in the morning, and it's still on after I take my shower at night! I wear "Naturalist 545." Perfect color for my oh-so-pale skin and semi-red haircolor.



Nov 18, 2009

Beauty


Ignoring the fact that they have their heads tilted so far to the side that they may, at any given moment, snap off--they are the most beautiful children ever.

Nov 13, 2009

Totally not PC

On the way home from gymnastics last night:

Clairey: "Mom, am I deaf?"
Me: "No, you're just REALLY 'hard of hearing' in your left ear."
Clairey: "So am I 'special'?"
Me: "Yes, sometimes you act 'special.' [laughing quietly] No, you're not 'SPECIAL', but you ARE special because you're you."
Jenna: "I'm blind."
Me: "Yes, because you take after your father--you are practically blind."
Jenna: "So together, me and Clairey are like Helen Keller!! [insert sounds of me laughing hysterically] Blind AND deaf!"

Nov 10, 2009

Little Biscuit is now a bonafide gymnast

Clairey is now a GYMNAST. My sweet little biscuit...a gymnast. She was moved to the "Mini Mights" (the youngest girls team) on Saturday. Technically, she's in there on a 3-week trial basis, but we all know she'll be in there for good. Her regular coach already told us (me and her stepmom) that her skills are better than some of the girls in there. Rock on, little girl. We love you so much and are SO proud of you!!


In other news, the chicks' stepmom finds out the gender of her unborn child on Nov. 20th. I'm rooting for a girl. I need a baby girl to gnaw on. My chicks are getting too big to effectively munch on--at least without complaints. Send "girl" vibes her way....

Nov 2, 2009

Halloween 2009

Hermione and the Countess Dracula


I vant to suck your blood!


With Hogwarts in the background...

Oct 28, 2009

Tasty

Every night, I read to the girls from a selected chapter book. Right now, it's "Harry Potter and...." I don't know...whatever the second HP book is--I'm too lazy to go look right now. Anyways, I love this time with them--all snuggled up in the bed, reading to them, knowing their imaginations are at work. It's some good stuff.

Monday night, we were squished into Clairey's bed, reading, and getting all snuggly, and she cut the cheese. Jenna and I heard it before we smelled it. Then it was awful.

"Holy cow! Did THAT smell come out of that little butt??" I screamed.
"YES!" giggled Clairey.
"Ewwww....I totally tasted it," said Jenna.

Girls. They're so...adorable.

Oct 23, 2009

And...MORE Claireyisms...

I'm seriously going to have to compile these into a book. This kid just does. not. stop.

Last night, we were going through her sightwords before she went to bed. We get to 'as'. Now, the first time we got to this word, she tried to sound it out, and ended up saying "ass" and giggling hysterically. So, this second time, I show her the word and say, "Remember: It's a sightword. Don't sound it out, because if you do, it's a bad word." She sat there and looked at me with a blank stare. Finally, I said, "It's AZ, Clairey."
"OH," she said, "I was about to say 'piss'."

Oct 7, 2009

Working it, baby

I generally don't post about my workout routines (or my lack thereof), my weight, or anything in that arena. But let me tell you: P90X is HARD. Seriously. If you look back through my posts from...oh, 2005, I was working out 4x a week and thought it was tough. That was COOKIES compared to this. I just hope that at one point, instead of working out and thinking, "Holy crap this guy's trying to kill me," I'll think, "Yeah! This feels great." Until then, i'm going to have to hire someone to carry me around the house--because I can't move.

Sep 30, 2009

The yearly photo montage

And here it is...the girls' yearly photo montage.

OH, Sweet baby Jesus. She's EIGHT.

Jenna,
Here we are...today is your EIGHTH birthday! I can't believe it. Time has gone by so very quickly, and here you are, an 8-year old. It's a special day for both of us: You, because you're celebrating your birthday; and me, because another year has gone by where I haven't ended up in a straight jacket because of your sassy attitude. Congrats to us both!

This past year has been an amazing one for you. You've learned so much, and have developed into a spectacular young girl. You are extremely quirky; that's what I love about you the most. You play how you want, sing how you want, do what you want--you don't care how "odd" other people might find your actions. You know what? That's what makes you an awesome kid. You DON'T "go with the flow." You carve your own path.

There are no words that can say how proud I am of you. You've got a powerful trifecta, baby: brains, attitude, and beauty. I'm doing my best to help you grow into a confident and capable young woman, but you're at that age where being humble is still being learned. You'll tell me, "I'm a genius" or "I'm the smartest one in my class." Both of those may be true, but you can't just say that. I tell you to, "Say those things in your head--not out of your mouth." At least you're confident!

Since you've been two, you've told everyone that will listen that you are going to be a zooligist, specializing in big cats. Still, that remains your dream. You're convinced that you're going to do a college internship in Namibia at the Cheetah Conservation Fund. Your goal is to save the cheetahs from extinction. You know what? I don't doubt that you will.

There is only one word to describe you: AMAZING. And it still doesn't give you the justice you deserve.

The world is not ready for you, girl.


You are my heart.
xoxox,
Mommy




Sep 28, 2009

"Hang Ten"--not just for surfers

The other day, the chicks and I were picking up some snackity-type nourishment at a local establishment. While we were waiting, I noticed something. Something horrible. Something that should NEVER happen. I had to take a picture so that I could document this atrocity. I was able to slyly take the photo by feigning interest in a "funny shoe picture" of my childrens' feet.

Can you find it?



Let's take a closer look:



Ladies, if you can grasp the edge of your sandals with your toes, then they are too small. These things were hanging off the edge of her sandals by a good 1/4 inch. Like I said: "Hang ten"--apparently, it's not just for surfers.

Sep 24, 2009

More Claireyisms

I should really just write a book, which would be a compilation of all that comes out of this kid's mouth.

Yesterday, on the way home from gymnastics, the girls and i were discussing how school went that day. It was Clairey's turn, and she was telling Jen and I how she has a friend named, "Ashley" (i think--it was an 'A' name--i know that for sure). Clairey was saying how nice she is, and how they play nice. Then she says, "She's 'a meez.'"
"A what?" I asked.
"A MEEZ," says my child.
"Huh?" says Jen.
"A. MEEEEEZ!!" says Clairey, emphatically.
"Baby, I don't know what a 'meez' is."

And then, I get this:
"Moooom! You know...'a meez.' Like, 'vietmameeez, chimeeez, japanameez!"

God help me. If I don't drive off the road in hysterical laughter by the time this kid is 10, i'm going to consider myself a success.

Sep 23, 2009

Simpler times...

Every adult i know, at least at some point, has wished that they could go back to the simpler times of childhood. I was just reminded of this when I found the following, scribbled on a "High School Musical" notepad:

Jenna A. Townsend's Favorite Things...

Fav food:
ice cream
tacos
nachos

Fav animals:
cheetah
lion
leopard
tiger

It made me smile.

Sep 21, 2009

Not new news

Kanye is a douche. But this is funny:
http://kanyelicious.appspot.com/www.evilpigs.blogspot.com

Note to self

There will be no more slumber parties in this house until the attendees are old enough to take care of themselves, then drive themselves home the next morning.

Let it be spoken. Let it be done.

Sep 17, 2009

Happy Birthday to me, how crappy can it be?

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 35. THIRTY FIVE. I'm not particular about my age, which is why i don't mind sharing. There's always someone that will be older than me, and someone will always be younger than me, so who gives a rat's ass?

My day started out as such:
SMM's Jeep is broken. We thought it was the battery--it's not. We thought it was the starter--it's not. I had to drive him down to his workplace (since the Jeep is still parked in his work parking garage), and sit there whilst he attempted to fix the beast that is the Jeep.

After sitting there for an hour and a half, we had no choice but to leave. One reason is that nothing SMM did worked, and the other reason is that I had a lunch meeting with my boss and coworkers.

After I got home from lunch (which was lovely--my coworker brought me cupcakes from Crave--delish), and the girls got home from school, we had to run over to SMM's grandfather's house to pick up his extra truck (so SMM has a way to get to work). We left straight from there to gymnastics.

Gymnastics was great; albeit, Jenna deemed it necessary to whine about how she didn't want to read, and how BORING reading was. BLASPHEMY!! Clairey had a great workout. We all piled back into my new car, backed out, and someone backed out right into me.

SO...the backend needs to be replaced, the right light, and the right-side quarter panel. I don't even have real plates on it yet--still paper. Lovely.

However, once I got home, SMM fixed it all up. He called the girls into the house and had them put on party dresses. He had dinner made, my favorite wine, candles lit, music playing, and the formal dining room all prettified. After dinner, he watched the girls while I soaked in a hot tub (he had lit candles, poured me another glass of wine, and had music playing in the bathroom). He put the girls down for the night, and then treated me to a long massage. He's brilliant. I think i'll keep him.

[I drop of the car at the body shop tomorrow. Dammit.]

Surely, they jest.

Pop tax

If they put a tax on pop, i'm going to be broke. I drink a lot of freakin' pop. Diet Coke, to be exact. My good friend Nicole will also be in a shitload of trouble.

If I go broke because of a pop tax, i'm going to have to lay the beat-down on some people.

Sep 13, 2009

The things you hear at Olive Garden

Ahem...

SMM: "Clairey what is that on your hand?"
Clairey: [Loud, as usual] "Little, blue fuckers!"

And here, we have uproarious laughter.

Explanation: She had taken a marker and drawn little blue dots all over the palm of her hand. They were little, blue FRECKLES.

And then we get home, and she proceeds to run after Jenna yelling, again, at the top of her lungs, "You're a nip ho!"
I have no explanation for THAT.
This kid is going to kill me.

Sep 11, 2009

She's six. Holy crap.

Yesterday, my baby girl turned SIX. I know this is cliche, but it really feels like yesterday that she was in my tummy, just waiting to bust out. She is, indeed, one of the two most amazing kids ever (Jenna being the other). She is loving, kind, smart, and so freaking funny. Example:

SMM: [breaking off a piece of cookie and showing Clairey] Look, a right triangle.
Me: [Looking at Clairey] Isosceles.
Clairey: Gracias!

SHE, herself, is entertainment. All wrapped up into a tiny little body. SO...here we go:

~Letter to Clairey~

Clairey,
My little piglet, I love you so much. So much more than words could ever say. So much more than my arms can hold you. You are the most loving little girl. I have garnered more kisses from you at 6 years old, than most people will get in a lifetime. I love how, as I sit reading to you and your sister, you snuggle up to my side, and just sit there---giving me little kisses on my arm. Every once in a while, i'll have to say, "Clairey, scoot over! I can't turn the page," and you'll say, "But mommy, I just love you SO much!" Heartmelter.



You are now in your 3rd week of kindergarten. You have brought home, approximately, 15 drawings--I am not kidding when I say that 90% of them are of you and i holding hands with hearts over our heads. On nearly every worksheet you bring home, there is either a picture of you and I, or a little kindergarten-scribble that says, "I [heart] Mommy."



You've had a hard time, not at school, but being HOME after school. After you hop off the bus, with that sweet smile on your face, you'll start to cry at the tiniest of things. We don't have grapes? Let's cry. The chair is pushed in wrong? Let's cry about that, too. You're tired. Full-day kindergarten is a lot for a little one. However, you say that the problem is that you miss me. "School is SO LONG," you say, "and I miss you all day!" I miss you, too, pumpshkin. But you'll be fine--one day, you won't miss me when you're at school---and then I'LL probably cry.

Here you are, suddenly a little girl--not a baby--and i'm beside myself with tears/pride/emotion. You are growing into such a lovely little person. You have an amazing heart, and a brilliant mind. You are an amazing gymnast. One day, we'll all see you in the Olympics--i am sure of that. Your coaches adore you, and I adore watching you. I'm so proud. I'm proud of who you are, and what you are becoming. I am so proud to be your mommy; so proud to be able to watch you grow up.



But remember: You may grow older with every passing year, but you will ALWAYS be my baby girl.

I love you more than the world,
Mommy
xoxox

Sep 9, 2009

Words, words, words

Hooking on to my last post--there are so many words that Clairey says that are just too damn funny. Behold:

Atergade (Gatorade)
Unicorns (acorns)
Secret Asian (Secret Agent)
Canimal (camel)
Pasketti (spaghetti)
Eyelbraws (eyebrows)

and there are more. Tons more. I just can't think because the damn skin cat is sitting on my lap, sucking on his leg. He's so gross.

Sep 2, 2009

Kindergarten, Asians, and Unicorns...Oh My!

So...my baby is a kindergartner. (Do you guys notice how often I start sentences with "so"? I do, too. And I don't care.) And she is, without a doubt, the cutest, smartest kindergartner there is. Two weeks in, and she's already the teacher's favorite. Rock on, little sister.

I'm really happy that Jenna and Clairey are so different from each other. This way, it's going to be really difficult for their teachers to compare them. For instance, Clairey has the same kindergarten teacher that Jenna had two years ago. However, Clairey is so different from Jenna, there's no way the teacher can compare them. It's like apples and oranges. Or butter and grapefruit. Yeah, butter and grapefruit--that's totally different.

Clairey's loving school, but this week, has not been wanting to go. She said that "school takes too long," and that she misses me. Cutie-poo-pie. Now, on to Asians.

Clairey was playing "Secret Asian" with Jenna the other day. Yes, we've discussed this before. But hell, people, that's just damn funny.

Last night, the Wee One and i were outside and she was collecting acorns. She had a bunch in her hand and said, "Mommy, look at all my unicorns!" You know, there are times when you just don't WANT to correct them.

Aug 10, 2009

Falling into a career

SMM and I were just chatting the other day, about how strange it is that I believe i've "found" my career. I guess it's strange because I actually went to school to be an editor, and here I am (again). Although, THIS time, I get to be a copywriter, too, but editing and copywriting seemingly go hand-in-hand.

My first editing job was basically right out of undergrad--in 1997, I begin tech writing and editing (and doing tons of other crap) for a downhole drilling company/manufacturer. I then moved on to editing SAP stuff for various corporations, then on to HP as an editor. While at HP, I went back to school and got my Master's in English. After 8 years of editing, I moved to project management (for documentation, mostly). That was fun--I loved it, but I missed editing.

While PMing, i kept up with the editing through contract work and such. Then, lost my job. I quickly picked up editing on a more part-time basis, and now, have been rehired at my old company as an editor/copywriter. It seems like my career has come full circle. I got to try out something new, and ended up back with what I love most.

So, I find it both comforting and strange, all at once, that editing/copywriting is what i'll be doing until i retire. I'm happy with that.

Aug 6, 2009

My husband's not as cute as Joe Jonas

I know, it's sad, right? The small child confronted SMM and told him, "You're not as cute as Joe Jonas." He was crushed. No, not really. I think it's hilarious. I like to remind him of that.

On another note, apparently Clairey can do whatever the hell she wants, as long as she follows it with: "And that's how 'The Clairey' does it!" Next time she pulls that, i'm going to spank her and say, "That's how 'The Mommy' does it! Woooo!!! How you like THEM apples???"

And even more crap: The chicks' stepmom and I are taking them to the Jonas Brothers concert next Friday night. I'm not sure what we've gotten ourselves into, but I, for one, am frightened. I wonder how many moms are going to let their young girls dress like whores, hoping that one of the Jonas Bros will fall in love with their little darling. I know I am.

Just kidding. Jeesh. I'm going to totally use this opportunity as a lesson in how NOT to dress because, "See that girl over there? See how much makeup she has on? See how short her shorts are? What do you think of her? Ah huh...she looks skanky doesn't she? Do you want people to think YOU'RE a skanky girl? Then NEVER DRESS LIKE THAT!!!"

It's all about utilizing the situation at hand, people.

Aug 4, 2009

Yeee!!!

I have a jooooob, I have a joooob!! And guess what? It's right back at my old company! YAY!!! Can you tell I'm excited?

So, get this: I'm out of work for six months, and over that time, I have 2 interviews. I get a job, and the day I start, I get 2 emails asking me for interviews. As my friend said, "That's Murphy's Law for the working girl." Amen, sister.

Jul 26, 2009

Things you learn...

I like to read PostSecret. Call it a guilty pleasure. There are often "secrets" on there that make me sit and think. Today, there was one that made me smile:

"As a child, when the 'tooth fairy' left money under my pillow, I would sneak the few dollars I got back into my mom's purse. She was a hard working single mom."

I probably read that secret ten times. It reminds me of Clairey. You see, before I lost my job, nearly six months ago, the chicks pretty much were in need nor want of anything. If we went to the store, and they asked, "Mommy, can I get this, please?" The answer was usually either, "Yes, if you're good while we're here," or "Eh, you don't need that, but how about this?" Since my layoff, and particularly now that all the savings are gone and the 401k is gone, and there's NOTHING, if they ask, I have to tell them, "No, we don't have the money for THAT right now."

I'm always very careful to tell them "we don't have the money for THAT." I want to help them understand that we DO have money for FOOD, but we don't have money for...oh...Polly Pockets and Jonas Brothers crap and new movies. But now, after I say that, they always ask, "When you get a job?" Now, seriously, that breaks my heart. It takes everything I have to not look at them, with tears in my eyes, and say, "When mommy gets a job, i'm going to buy you a freakin' Webkinz factory."

But Clairey....Clairey rips my heart out with her gentle kindness. In the backseat of my car, there's a little cubby by their booster seats. In Clairey's, she has loose change, and about 4-5 dollar bills. I always hand change back there for them to put in their piggy banks, but apparently, although Jenna's makes it to the pig, Clairey stashes hers in the car cubby. A few weeks ago, we were in the car, and I hear Clairey scraping away back there, digging through her "treasures" that she keeps in her cubby. Her little hand pokes between the two front seats, and she's holding a handful of singles and a bunch of change.

"What's this for?"
"Here, mommy...you can have my money."
"I don't want your money, baby. When we get home, put it in your piggy bank."
"But mommy, if you take MY money, you won't need a job, and we can have money again."

I swallowed hard, corrected my driving skills--for I had nearly driven off the road and ran over the random roadsideworker--and smiled big.

I have the sweetest little kid ever. (Yeah, Jen's sweet, too, but i'm sure she's hoarding her money to take over the world.)

Jul 24, 2009

How many people hate YOU?

So, how many people hate YOU? I've been thinking about this since yesterday (i'll tell you why in a minute), and I think, as far as I know, only two people don't like me. Maybe i'm just being an idiot; perhaps, 50 people hate me, and i'm just too stupid to notice. However, I can think of only 2 right now: 1 doesn't matter, and the other one does. That other one matters because she's potentially standing between me and a fantastic job. UGH.

So, yesterday, i'm scouring the job boards (again), and as a habit, i always stop by HP. I mean, i've been working as an employee or as a contractor there for almost 10 years. And there it is...a perfect job. Yeah, yeah, i think that at least once a week, but THIS one----it called for a Master's in English, and specific knowledge in HP servers. Sign. Me. Up.

So, i go completely, ballistically excited, email all my HP contacts, and tell them to send a recommendation to the hiring manager. I was SO excited. Notice the "was." I find out who the hiring manager is, and it's a woman that I know HATES me. Seriously??? Of all the damn shitty luck. What ticks me off about this, is that when I was project managing, I gave this girl 110%, and for some reason, she was always unhappy with my work. She literally told my boss that she didn't want to work with me anymore--said I had a bad attitude and didn't do the work. WHAT??? Are you freakin kidding me??? Everytime she said something like that, it just crushed me. However, I had enough clients that loved me and said I busted ass, so I just chalked it up to her not liking me.

Anyways...i'm so bummed about this. This job is just sooooo perfect. UGH. I hope she's woman enough to put her personal differences with me aside and let me interview.

Jun 18, 2009

An apple a day...

On the way to gymnastics yesterday, Jenna asked me a question--one of those damn TOUGH questions. The ones that are easy to answer, but than just get exceedingly difficult to explain.

"Mom, how did the first people get on earth?"
"God put them here." [See? In my mind, the question's answered. Now stop talking kid, and just listen to some "boom, boom, pow!"]
"How did God put them here?"
"He just made them and put them here. In a nice, pretty little garden."
"How?"
"God used his special powers and made them, then just put them in the garden."
"How?"
"He just did. God can do anything."
[quiet reflection]
"Mom? Was the first person Jesus?"
"No, the first person was Adam, then God made Eve."
"Did they have kids?"

And this, my friends, leads into the huge explanation of Adam and Eve, the snake, the apple, the nakedness, etc. I thought I had done a great job of explaining all this in a kid-friendly way, but it's quiet in the backseat. Then I hear the following convo between the chicks:

Jenna: "Why did she eat the apple? I mean, jeez, it's an apple. Didn't they have bananas or something?"
Clairey: "Yeah, I like bananas more. They should have eaten a coconut. I like coconuts."
Jenna: "Mom? WHY did they eat the apple?"
Me: "Well, because the devil tempted them. He told them it was all delicious and great, and that they just HAD to have a bite."
Jenna: "That was stupid. Apples are good, but they're not THAT good."
Clairey: "Yeah, you're right. That was just dumb."

We need to go to Sunday School.

May 27, 2009

Interview...whatever the hell number i'm on now

So I had another interview yesterday with the company that I really don't want to work for but said i would if they showed me the money. Turns out that he asked how much i wanted and i told him an obscene number and he didn't even balk and wants to meet with me again next week. Problem is, i'm not sure it's worth it. The hours are 8-5, which, yes i know, is normal. That means a few things for me. Let's review, shall we?

1) I won't have snuggly-time in the morning with my babies, unless it starts at, like, 5am.

2) I don't know how in the hell we'd continue doing swimteam. There's no way we could make practices.

3) I wouldn't get home until 5:45pm. That means, i'd basically make dinner, wash the kids, and put them in bed. :(

4) I'll have to pay for daycare for two. OUCH. (Once fall starts, and both are in school, I'll have to pay for before and after school care. Again: OUCH.)

Let me make something clear: even though i've worked from home for the past nearly-five years, Clairey has always gone to the sitter's. It's impossible to get anything done with her here. Jenna hasn't gone--she gets home from school at 3:35, and reads/does her homework until we go get Clairey at 5.

I'd have to drop the kids off at the sitter's by 645/7 to get to work by 8. That means i'd have to get them up at 545 to get them ready/fed, etc.

Let me reiterate: THIS FREAKIN SUCKS BIG GOAT BALLS.

I'm trying not to worry until the place actually offers me the job, but i can't help it.

May 19, 2009

The 1980s Hellhole Redo (Part 3--things in progress)

There are always remodels in progress in this house. I just go from one room to the other, tearing shit up and hoping little elves come and decorate/redo it when i'm sleeping.
Here are the "halfway-dones" and "in-progresses":

Formal living room: the only thing "formal" about it, is that there's a piano in there (which i totally loooove). I love the color--just needs a ceiling fan; some nice, wide blinds, and new accents (like new lamps and such). The room isn't "done," but it's okay for now. It needs a rug.

And...there's a picture of Jenna when she was 4 months old. It needs to be replaced, but i just haven't gotten around to it...
The formal dining room:
Painted "oak cask," and i LOVE it (how many times am i going to say 'love' in this post? Probably a lot.) I was contemplating taking down the picture rail, but i've decided i love that, too. The 1980s golden lamp? Notsomuch. Also, what i'm not showing you, is that there is a refrigerator in there, a parson's chair that i ripped apart, and some paint cans. I'm so sly. Again: halfway done.

Work in progress:
The stairway. This is the most hideous stairway you will ever see. Seriously. It's awful. I started peeling paint, and just kept going. Like I said, i like to tear shit UP. This is the next thing that will have to be made "liveable."

The 1980s Hellhole Redo (Part 2--kitchen)

One of the reasons we bought this house, is because we fell in love with the kitchen. By the looks of it, it was taken out of the 70s and introduced into the 80s by the previous owners. I only wish i had a close-up of the wallpaper...think "Miami Vice" but with a floral border. Seriously, wtf? The tile on the counter was done by a one-armed blind man. There's no other explanation. If we were setting down a wineglass, for instance, we had to ensure that it was on a "level" tile. Jeesh.






And the redo (yay!):
Still have to get a new dishwasher...


And look--now there are curtains (and different chairs!):
I love how the sunlight comes through this material--it makes it feel all nice and warm in the breakfast area.
My oregano and basil--growing like crazy!
Had enough material to reupholster some chairs to match! (and make a few coordinating toss pillows in the living room).

More to come....

The 1980s Hellhole Redo (Part 1--living room)

Okay, so i've posted pics up of the house remodel before. The thing is, is that it's SLOW going. I mean, damn, what were these people thinking?! So, without further ado:

The 1980s Hellhole Redo (Part 1)

The living room: I have no pictures of when we first moved in, because i was hyperventilating in the corner somewhere. But, here's the earliest pic I have. I want to say this was Day 2 we lived in the house.

(note: built-in shelves/cabinets on TOP of the hearth. Really?? I mean, seriously, people. Mantel that weighs more than my eldest child. Straw-yellow, painted paneling.)



Redo #1. Liveable, yes? Am i happy with it...um, NO. I hate the beams, hate the brick, and the more i look at the wall color, the more i don't like it. I did, however, get rid of that paneling. I did a plaster-treatment right over it. Worked like magic, and gives it a beautiful old-world feel. Plus, i haven't found curtains i like.


Final redo: Buh-bye nasty beams! Wooo!! Also, we CENTERED the ceiling fan in the room! Also switched the furniture from the other living room to this living room. Painted the walls a darker color, added crown molding, and LOOK at that fireplace! We paid someone to rip out beams and sheetrock the top half of the fireplace. My husband did all the tilework and crown molding. Isn't he amazing? Yes, i think so, too. I'm thinking about artwork for over the tv.


May 18, 2009

Conversations with Clairey and Jenna

So, apparently, my chicks have been discussing things behind my back. Keeping secrets from ME--their ever-loving mommy. Behold, the conversation of Friday night:

Clairey: Mom, Jenna has a crush on Joe Jonas.
Me: What? Jen?? (acting shocked, because...well, because this is what i do.)
Jen: No i don't!! CLAIREY!! No, no mommy, no I don't! Clairey has a crush on Colton.
C: [giggling hysterically]
M: Whatever. Clairey, you don't even know what a 'crush' is.
C: Yes, I do.
M: okay, what is it?
C: I don't know. But Nicky has a crush on Jenna.
M: Hmmm...really? Nicholas?
J: [sighing] Yeessss. I don't know why.
M: Because he thinks you're preeeettttyyyy....ooooo....Nicky!!
J: Mooom! HE has a crush on ME, i DON'T have a crush on him.
C: [making 'air quotes'] AaaWKWaaaaRD...

May 15, 2009

Success

Bills are paid through the 15th. SUCCESS! :)

May 14, 2009

Here we go...here we go...here we go again

So, i have interview #2 with the company that i did the marketing spiel for on Monday. I don't WANT to work for them, but i will if they offer me a good salary. I just have this feeling that they're not as flexible with time as i'd need them to be.

I POTENTIALLY have another interview sometime on the 19th. The lady emailed me last week, but said she was on vacay from the 13th through the 18th, and that she'd contact me on the 19th. I'm hoping that THAT goes well, and that it pays well, and that they offer me the job. It's a job that offers telecommuting, and that's what i need/want.

In the meantime: car payment, insurance, and utilities due on the 15th. Anyone feel like shelling out a quick g? anyone? anyone??

May 7, 2009

Finally working...somewhat

Alright, so my ex-place of employment is paying me to contract. It is a meager wage compared to what I was making, but if we can survive on nothing but Ramen noodles and hotdogs, it MAY pay all the bills. Let's just hope it does. I rather like my house. And water. And that new-fangled "electricity" that's all the hype these days. So, it's nothing but nasty noodles and "lips and assholes" (to borrow from the brilliant John Candy) for us until I can make some real money.

I will ease all your pain by letting you know that it's not NEARLY as meager as the $1.00 per article that i was getting for editing SEO stuff. Now THAT, my friends, is ridiculous. And they publish some el-crapo stuff.

I just signed up for Cobra, too. I hadn't up to this point because I figured that surely, SURELY, i'd have a job by now. [Excuse me while i laugh hysterically.]

I had yet another interview yesterday, which, in retrospect, the company that i interviewed with should be paying me for said interview. They don't have a marketing sector, so he basically brought in all the shit they've been mailing out (and it is SO horrible), and asked me how i would rework it. He also sent me home with a bunch of stuff and asked me to rework it and give him some ideas. So, I will. But i will also be slapping copyright shit all over it so if they don't hire me but steal my ideas, i will sue his ass. See how that works? I'm only nice if it's to my benefit. I'm really a cold-hearted bitch. Just kidding. I'm not. Well, not really.

SO, here i am. Hoping that this contract work will eventually turn back into a full-time, well-paying job.

I miss my housekeeper.

ETA: Oh, and get this: IKEA just sent me a letter that says they're lowering my credit line. You know what i have to say to that?? "F-You, Ikea. I fart upon you and all your cheap furniture." I'm never shopping there again. Assholes.

May 4, 2009

Life Updates

* You may tweet me at stewbie2

* I still don't have a job, and i'm not being picky about it. I'm about to dumb-down my resume.

* My old place offered me contract work--at a measly $25 an hour. Seriously?? I have no choice but to take it.

* I have $100 in my checking account. $40 in savings.

* Where's MY bailout?

Apr 27, 2009

Seriously??

Okay, so i didn't update after last week. I didn't get that job. Yeah, THAT job--the one that i had THREE interviews for. The one where, on my last interview, the lady said, "GREAT!! The next step is to just verify your references!" Are you freaking kidding me??

Well, good for me, i have 2 more interviews this week. One tomorrow at 9am, and one on Wednesday at 9am. I'm being rotten because i want to continue to work from home. After 4 years of it, i'm spoiled. Plus, my gosh, do you know how much more money i'm going to have to make if i go to an office?? I'll have to pay for daycare for 2 kids! I don't know how people do it--it's ridiculously expensive! I'm going to have to get two jobs just to pay for it!

*grumble grumble*

Apr 15, 2009

Job interview 2.0

So, job interview 2.0 went wonderfully...I think. I think it went well, but who knows what the other person thought. Personally, i believe that they should like me--not only because i know a whole heck of a lot about what they want me to do but because i refuse to capitalize any 'i' that i may type.

So, if i get this job, which i really hope i do, i'll have to go back to an office. UGH. (Not complaining...i'm just SAYING). Clairey will have to go back to Ms. Dot's, wherein she will be feed copious amounts of crap. Yep, back to normal.

ay yi yi.

Apr 10, 2009

Job interview 1.5

The interview has moved to next Tuesday...stay tuned.

I've been having some weird-ass dreams lately, and it's all Facebook's fault. Getting in touch with all my old classmates has introduced a whole new set of people into my dreams.

Last night I dreamed about a scene from "Barefoot in the Park," that I did with my friend Aaron. I remember the theatre class was laughing at me because there was a part where we were yelling at each other, and my voice kept getting higher and higher. I turn into a pipsqueak when i'm yelling, which is why i DO NOT yell when fighting. If you sound like a baby chick, it's just not powerful enough when trying to get your point across. Anyway, it was Aaron and I doing our duet scene, then people left us fanmail in a box. Weird.

Apr 9, 2009

Job Interview 1.0

Okay, so i have phone interview #2 on Friday. Friday, as in, TOMORROW Friday. I'm slightly nervous, slightly not. Kind of uncommitted in my thoughts, if you will. The most exciting thing about it is that if I get it, I'll have money again. AND, I'll be forced to buy new clothes, and with new clothes come shoes. YEE!! You see, for the past nearly 5 years, i've been working from home. In MY office (downstairs to the left of the front door), my dresscode is strictly yoga pants and tank tops, or my favorite "Ireland Rugby" shirt which has been worn so often that the writing has faded into nothing. Bare feet are essential. I'm guessing that if I get this job, i'll have to wear real clothes. Going braless with a tank top is not going to be allowed. I mean, they didn't SAY that, but i'm just guessing.

I haven't worn "office" clothes in such a long time, i'm not even sure what to buy. I mean, i'm not the staunch, buttoned-up type. Plus, it's just hard for me to buy clothes. UGH. I'm a white girl with junk in the trunk. Yeah, baby got back, and all that shit. No one makes clothing for curves. Which reminds me...i need to put down these Reese's eggs and run or something. I need to have LESS curves. Rubenesque hasn't been in since the Renaissance. I keep hoping it returns, but i'm running out of hope here.

Anyways, job interview on Friday...fingers crossed.

Apr 8, 2009

Just rambling

If these cats don't freaking stop fighting, i'm going to skin them. I mean, seriously, the bitch cat growls/rowls/hisses at Skin Cat every chance she gets. The Skin has been here since JANUARY! Get used to it, bitch!! It's totally out of control. She's all, "Hey, Skin, let's play....oh, whoops, nevermind...GROWL!!!" They're in the formal dining room and all I can hear is hissing and growling. Sweet Baby Jesus. Enough already.

On my own, personal front, I still haven't found a job. I totally feel like a piece of crap. We need money; therefore, I need a job. No one is hiring--i'm beginning to think all these job postings are just to give us unemployed some hope. And then kill all our dreams. Bastards. I spend my days contemplating doing laundry, yet never do it, because i freaking hate doing laundry.

[excuse me while i go separate the animals]

I now take care of my own pool, which is kind of nice, except it's been damn near arctic (for Texas) the past few days, which just pisses me off. I hate cold weather, it puts me in a shitty mood. Can i just have 90s, please? I mean, come on, it's APRIL for God's sake. The kids swim one day, and the next, the high is 60. WTF is that??

I'm also thinking about what job I might get. Someday. Shit, if anyone ever hires again. I'd love to teach at the college, but holy hell, teachers are SO underpaid. It's damn near pathetic that the people that are building our future get paid what they do. It's ridiculous. On a college-professor salary, I can make my house payment, and possibly, my car payment. That's it. Screw the utilities! No groceries for us! And really, I wouldn't even be able to qualify for food stamps because I own a home and a car. So, the kids would just have to starve. I spent the majority of my high school and college years starving myself, so for me, it's no big deal, but the kids have to eat. Something about child protective services or something...

I also want to write a book. This is not a new idea for me. I actually drew out a storyboard back in good 'ol 1994. I have enough poetry to print a pretty good-size chapbook. I have two or three kid's books written. I have a few ideas spinning around in my head...it seems like everyone's trying to be an author these days, yes? For some reason, I feel compelled to do this, and I feel more entitled to it. How stupid is that? I guess it's because I started thinking about it at such a young age, and then pursued degrees in English Lit. Oooo...ENTITLEMENT. I'm a dumbass. But believing that I have that sense behooves me to do it one day. Again...DUMBASS. Everyone says I should publish portions of this blog ala Dooce, but then I just become another mass-published mommy blogger. That's not what I want. I want something full and literate to be published--not that humorous anecdotes about raising your kids aren't, but I want something MORE than that. Anyway...

Maybe I should write something about being a snarky bitch. Oh wait...that's my blog.

Little Bit aka The Munch aka Clairey doesn't go to the sitter's anymore. I couldn't fathom spending that money each month when I have bills to pay. She's going through withdrawls. Also, Miss Dot feeds her continuously; as in, she might as well just hook up an IV. The kid is CONSTANTLY being fed while over there, and i'm not talking veggie chips and carrot sticks. It's not abnormal for Clairey to eat 5 popsicles while over there. I'll go pick her up, and she's sitting in a recliner with a full-size bag of Funyons while the other kids look at her longingly while they sit on the floor with nothing. I'm SO not kidding. So, while Clairey's home with me, she's on MY food, i.e., yogurt, pretzels, coffee, etc. Dont' worry, i'm not giving her espresso--it's a shot of coffee in a glass of milk. Jeesh. Like I need to stunt her growth anymore. I measured her this morning--she's 5-1/2 and is 41 inches tall. I like to tell people she's a primordial dwarf. Although I force-feed her healthy crap, the kid just ate a carton of strawberry-milkshake whoppers. I don't want her to self-implode or anything, you know? Little by little. It's a 12-step program.

I think i'm going to go look at my laundry.

And this, my peeps, is why I love my friends

This shit cracks me up:
Dramatic Reading of a Break-up Letter

However, the grammar is horrendous. HOW do kids like this make it through English class??

Mar 25, 2009

Friends

The best quote i've heard in a while, from one of my very best friends:

"I'm waiting for my handome prince to come riding in on a white horse...and he better have a black American Express card."

I was going to post...

...and then i got sidetracked. The damn skin cat wants to play fetch, and seriously, i don't feel like it. I'm tired (it's 11:22pm), but don't feel like going to sleep. I got a callback, or an emailback, if you want to be technical about it, regarding a marketing director position for a software company. I'd love to have the job. But i really don't think it's appropriate to email them and say, "Listen you dumbasses: HIRE ME." It's really just not proper, I don't think. Maybe if I called them "assholes." Yeah, maybe that's more politically correct.

Mar 23, 2009

No liquor involved...

I have a scratch on my upper lip. --sigh-- guess that's what happens when you try to put a cat's head in your mouth. For the second time. While your brother tries to take a picture.

Welcome to my house!! It's loads of fun.

Needed: Laboratory Eye-Wash Station

I've had something in my eye for...oh...about 2.5 hours now. I can't see it, but I can sure as hell feel it. It feels something akin to having a brick under your eyelid. Oh yea...Niiiiice. As long as i don't blink, i can't feel it. I'm about to use a toothpick to prop my eyelid open. I've tried to rinse it out, i've Visine-d it, i've prescription-eye-dropped it--NOTHING. I've pulled my eyelid up as far as it could possibly go and tried to look. Do you realize how difficult that is? My breath keeps fogging up the damn mirror, and then my whacked-up eye is watering, and my other eye, which is my "I-need-glasses-for-this-one" eye, is all, "What the fuck am I supposed to do now??" It looks like I'm crying, but somehow limiting it to my right eye only. It's like a frickin parlor trick: "Behold! The one-eye-crying lady!!" Except no one's ooo-ing and aaahh-ing, and the cat just keeps looking at me like I'm weird. I'm just going to throw a patch over it and pretend i'm a pirate. Arrrggghhh! I don't, however, have an eye patch. But I DO have those random nipple-cover thingys. You know...those self-adhesive "breast petals" that you stick over your nips to avoid see-through of the nipplage-area? I'm just going to stick one of those bitches over my right eye, then hope I don't get cold. I'm single-nippling it, baby. At least you won't be able to see my wonky eye.

Mar 19, 2009

Spring Break is going to kill me

It's Spring Break. I'll be dead before tomorrow. If I make it that far. Every year, I usually do something awesomely fun with the chicks. Last year, we went to San Diego. This year, Mommy doesn't have a job; we went to the museum. Okay, we TRIED to go to the museum. That whole entire area of Houston, albeit beautiful, sucks royal goat balls. First of all, whose damn near retarded idea was it to put the museum district, the zoo, a college, and a golf course near the MEDICAL CENTER?? I mean, seriously, wtf?? "Hey, Bob, here's an area where several hundred children are going to be hanging out! Let's ensure that speeding ambulances zip through here on an hourly basis!"

---break---
[I just cleaned The Munch's room with a garbage bag, and she's crying for her toys back. Bwahahahaha! NO. I think not, wee messy one.]
---------

Okay, back to the craptastic design of Houston. So, it's Spring Break. EVERY SINGLE child-owning adult is in the area. Trying to find a parking spot. And there are none. There is not one freaking parking spot in the general vicinity. The closest one is about 5 miles away. AND, because it was so crowded, instead of bowing to the stop lights and letting THOSE direct traffic, the cops were out directing traffic themseleves. Yes, we all know how well THAT works. Note to Cops: My car is small, yet it can still run you over and hurt, so do not give me the stink eye when I cringe and beat my steering wheel because i've been waiting in traffic for 45 minutes to make a right turn and then when i get up to said turn, you toot your little whistle and tell me I can't. AAArrrrggggg!!!

I drove around for ONE AND A HALF HOURS trying to find a parking spot. And, I'm sure that i never really traveled more than a mile. It was awful.

At one point, i just became delerious and started laughing. I asked the girls, "Say, how's that backseat?" My answer (from Claire, the master comedian): "BORRRRRRIIIIIIINNNNG." I said, "Really? I'm having a damn near blast up here in the front seat! Dontcha wish you were hanging up here with me?? WOOOOOOOO!" They both just looked at me like I was certifiable, which, to their defense, I probably am.

I FINALLY was able to break out of the circle of hell that is N. MacGregor St., and we cruised through Memorial Park. We stopped at the picnic area. And i'll be damned if I didn't have to pee. I am NOT a public pee-er. UGH. They had those stainless steel toilets that harbor unknown diseases and the community toilet-paper roll that also harbors unknown diseases and is just moist-feeling and disgusting because it's been sitting in the outside bathroom for ages. And there was sitting water on the cement floor, cobwebs, and no doors to the stalls. It was a primo setup ladies. I wouldn't have sat on that toilet for a thousand bucks. Oh wait, i don't have a job. Anyone want to give me a cool G to sit on the silver potty? Anyways, after I scrubbed my hands raw with the super-sanitizing kit I carry in the Mini, we found a sweet little picnic area. We spread out our little blankie and had ourselves a picnic. Then we saw the big ants. The picnic didn't last long.

Today, we went to this place called "ITZ." It's like a Chuck E. Cheese on steroids. I hate people and their screaming little shits, so I made sure that we got there right when the place opened. It was pretty sweet--we had the whole place to ourselves for about 10 minutes, then some kind of random Baptist daycare showed up. Ah well, you win some, you lose some. We played the games for a while, waited in a short line to get on bumper cars, then found out that Clairey couldn't ride because you have to be 44 inches tall. Bummer. Clairey and I sat and watched Jenna bump into random people. That was fun. I don't think they enjoyed me yelling, "Go bump the shit out of that annoying little bastard! Don't let him do that to you! Give the little fucker whiplash!" Actually, I didn't do that. I spent the 2 minutes that Jenna was on the bumper cars, consoling Clairey, telling her that when she's 10 she'll be tall enough to ride.

After using up the majority of our game points, we wandered over to the buffet, which you HAVE to buy in order to play. Sweet baby Jesus...this place serves wine and beer. It is now my favorite establishment in which to bring my children. Nothing says, "i love you," like getting swilled while watching your children play in a germ-infested arcade.

After we ate, I wasted the last 20 points trying to win some kind of random plush bullshit out of one of those crane games. Why do kids want that crap? And then, when I don't win anything--because the 'crane' can hold 1 pound, yet the plush POS is 4 lbs--my kids are devastated. If i ever see someone loading up that machine, i'm going to punch them in the nads. And then steal a CareBear and call it a day.

Right now, the chicks are swimming. I can see them through the window--thought i'd add that in there in case anyone wanted to call CPS. I can SEE them. The water's frickin arctic, but i was sick of listening to them whine. I told them if they get pneumonia, I'm going to laugh and not give them medicine. They have to learn somehow--call it 'tough love.'

Mar 12, 2009

Random

So, it's 11:18pm, and I really, really should be in bed. My allergies are killing me. It's this LOVELY Houston weather. Seriously, wtf is up with this crap?? The chicks were SWIMMING Tuesday, and today it's damn near close to arctic. It's so freaking cold, that the pool is STEAMING. Let me make it clear to you, that my pool is NOT heated. So, the 60 degree water in the pool, is steaming because it's so cold outside. Ballsack cat's balls are nowhere to be seen--THAT'S how cold it is.

Next...

I'm loving me some Facebook. I hated Myspace. I really did. Although, I will let you know that there is just a damn near precious slideshow of the chicks on there. If it doesn't make you cry then you're a commie bastard. If you look in my September 08 posts, it's probably in there somewhere, too. Cry, you bastard, cry. Back to Facebook. That there, my friends, is some good shit. Do you know how many people i've found on there? Pretty much everyone i've ever known in my life. EXCEPT for my 2nd-grade boyfriend, Jay Phelan. I don't know where he is. He gave me a Holly Hobbie card and chocolates for Valentine's Day in 1982. What a man. And then there's the young chap that every female in my family had a mad crush on for years. Yes, even my mom. It was inappropriate then, and really, it's inappropriate now, but i'll let it slide. And THEN there's my best friend from 3rd grade. Jenny...i've been looking for her for years, and just found out that she lives right down the street! Seriously. I'm not kidding here, people. I'm SERIOUS about facebook. Damn serious.

Next...

Tito the Teat-Suckling Cat is sleeping in my lap. He's not suckling his teats. Let's all take a moment to rejoice.....[here's your moment]...aaaaaaannnnndddddd...rejoicing is over. He'll be back to his regular teat-suckling schedule soon.

Thinking, and thinking some more...

It's been 4 weeks that i've been without a job. Four LONG weeks. I hate not working. I really, really do. I've always thought, "Man, I wish i didn't have to work," but now that i'm not, i miss it. However, I think the difference may be that i actually HAVE to work--if i were independently wealthy, then i probably wouldn't care so damn much if I sat at the computer, looking through the window, wondering (simultaneously) if the rain's ever going to fucking stop and if i'm going to lose my house. I'm also wondering how it can be 85 degrees one day, then 50 the next. I mean, come on now.

I'm really not a whiner. I don't complain when i'm sick (although i'm never really sick, so there's nothing to complain about), I haven't really complained much about losing my job. I'm really and truly a HAPPY, HAPPY person. But on Tuesday night, I cried. I was all by myself in my living room, and i sat on my couch, and cried. I was crying because a) i don't like not working b)i don't like not making any money c)i don't like spending my savings d)i don't want to lose my house. But the main thing...the MAIN thing i was upset about was, if i lose my house, my girls would lose their bedrooms. So, essentially, I was bawling (quietly) that Clairey would have to give up her perfectly pink princess bedroom that she loves, and Jenna would have to give up her turquoise rock-and-roll bedroom. I just was thinking how much it would break their hearts. Then I walked into the bathroom, looked at myself, and called myself a retard.

I know damn well that i will work 2 jobs to be able to stay in this house. I have been very fortunate over my career to have advanced in both position and salary. I've been wondering if i'm really talented in what i do, or if i've just been lucky over the past...what...14 years. I was talking with a very good friend of mine yesterday, who also got layed off, and we were discussing what's going to happen if we DON'T get jobs soon. We got to thinking...as we were sitting in her hot tub with mojitos. Right there, that told us something: We're MUCH better off than most. We have roofs over our heads, mojitos in the fridge, and a hot tub.

So, I reevaluated my "worst-case scenario." Here it is: I don't find a job paying what I used to make by the middle of April, therefore, using all my savings to pay for my house and bills. In May, i'll start teaching full-time at the college, making nearly 50% less than what I WAS making, and will have to wheel and deal with my creditors. My credit will, most likely, be screwed. Bottom line: I'll still have a home for my babies. There will be food on my table.

I still won't have a back fence.

You win some, you lose some.

Not too bad. Better than most. I'll make it just fine.

I'm not saying that i won't cry again. I will. But that's okay.

Mar 10, 2009

So...how YOU doin'?

It's 9:29pm. I'm eating Oreos, drinking non-spiked cherry kool-aid, and editing "World of Warcraft" articles. How old am I?

Mar 9, 2009

Ballsack Cat

Yesterday, while playing fetch with Tito the Hairless Cat, I noticed that he had a...a SWELLING on the left side of his face which extended to under his kitty-chin-chin. Okay, so it was more than a swelling. I thought, "Holy FUCK! What the hell happened to the cat's head??" I grabbed him and took him upstairs to show my husband, so I could ask, "What the hell is this? Look at this cat!" My husband looked and said, "Yep. It's swollen." Thanks. I was hoping for, "Jeez. Maybe its xxxxx, or xxxxx." I don't know, throw me a bone here. So i took it upon myself to find out what was wrong.
I hopped on my computer and positioned my fingers to start typing. Then i wondered, "What the hell am I supposed to type?" "Cat face swollen as fuck." "Cat swollen lymph nodes." "Cat Strep Throat." I just gave up. I decided he had a goiter. I was calling him "goiter cat" all night. I don't even know what the hell a goiter is, except that old people get them, and they look like you probably stink when you have them. Is "goiter" even a "them," or is it an "it?" See? Told you I don't know.

Anyways, Goiter Cat is all better this morning. Which is good, because since he has no hair, it looked like he had a big, hairless ballsack under his chin. "Ballsack Cat" has a nice ring to it.

Feb 27, 2009

Design on a dime, bitches

So, this is my 2nd and a half week without a job. I'm bored. I painted my formal dining room and my downstairs bath--with paint that i already have. I think i mentioned that somewhere else below...

I'm BORED. Jeez almighty.

I got my last paycheck today. I wanted to hump it, since it's going to be the last I see for a while, most likely.

On a happier note:
This morning, The Munch said, "Mommy, thank you." And I said, "For what, Munch?" and she said, "For EVERYTHING." :) Sweet baby girl.

Other random crap:
Tito the Skin Cat is doing well. Growing fast. He needs to be neutured, but i'm not sure if he's 5 pounds yet, which his vet requires. I will tell you, this cat is a little shit. He's continuously getting his ass beat by Bitch Cat, and still goes back for more. When Bitch Cat smacks him, it's really loud since it's paw-on-skin, rather than paw-on-fur. It's kinda funny. He also sucks his own moobs (man boobs). He sits on his butt, bends over, and sucks his boobies. I'm going to start spelling his name, "Teat-O."

And here, for your viewing pleasure:
Teat-o the Teat-Suckling Skin Cat

Feb 19, 2009

No bitterness

Yes, i lost my job. I keep wondering why i'm not bitter. There is no bitterness here, unless, of course, you're talking about all the dark chocolate i'm eating. Slightly bitter, but delicious.

I just got off the phone with one of my other coworkers who was layed off. She's much more than a coworker though; she's my friend. We've been working together for years, and was always beneficial when we were put on a project together--we just mesh. We were talking about, to put it lightly, what the hell we're going to do. The economy sucks, and although we've extended our hypothetical feelers as far as they can stretch, we've heard nothing. No leads. Nothing.

She's in a precarious position--going through a crappy divorce; her expenses all hang on the balance.Now, she has no job. No savings--anything she had has gone to lawyer fees, and assisting in raising her sons.

ME? I'm in quite a position, too. I am, for lack of a better descriptor, the "bacon maker." I bring home the bacon. I pay the bills. I keep the house up and running. My savings consists of my tax refund, which will pay a month of expenses. EXPENSES, as in, NECESSARY expenses, ie, house payment, utilities, etc.

I'm trying not to sweat it. I mean, there's a plan for me. RIGHT? There better be. And it better not involve stripping or standing on a street corner. And, I'm not good at being patient (especially when it involves need $ to buy my kids food and keep a roof over their head), so the "plan" better come to fruition soon.

Like I said though--not bitter. Hurt, yes. I was one of two persons that began our Houston office. I busted my ass for this company. I have worked harder than i have ever worked in my life. Not for recognition, but because i truly believed in this company. Back in December, the company took a paycut in order to avoid laying off employees. I was so proud to work for my company. My heart swelled with pride; knowing that we were all more than coworkers--that we took a vow to help each other, and protect each other in these hard times. I sent an email to the main man. I relayed these feelings to him. I told him that I would work my ass off for this company until retirement.

And then I was let go.

Total bummer. I feel...hurt. Is that stupid? My feelings are hurt more than anything else.

I'm going to go eat more chocolate.

Feb 17, 2009

And the Lord said, "Go forth and find Stewbie a job."

And everyone must obey. Now. Find a job for me. Right now.

So, yep, I lost my job last Wednesday--Feb. 11th. Basically the whole office closed, with the exception of one lucky coworker who happened to be working on something OTHER than the same client that all-of-us-who-got-canned were working on. Lucky bitch. (FYI: She's not really a bitch--i just like to say that because it's fun.) So, here's what i'm looking at:

1. I have no job.
2. I have no savings (used 'em up when i bought this house).
3. My "severance package," and i use that term LOOSELY, is 2 weeks of pay.
4. Start at number 1 and read through again (you can weep for me if you so choose).

I have a tax return coming, which will buy me 4 weeks of bill-paying coverage, so we're good through the first week of April. After that, for lack of a better word, we're totally fizucked.

And, that tax return...it was going to purchase some new car tires, a new pool motor, and a back fence (thanks, Hurricane IKE, you bastard). Anyone feel like building me a free back fence? How 'bout a free pool motor? New Jeep tires?? Anyone, anyone??

How much are hookers getting these days?

Interview from PaperNapkin

1. In your not so humble opinion what is your best quality?
My sense of humor. If you can't laugh, then what else can you do?

2. Through the use of a time machine you travel back to 1850and you are able to take only one modern product or invention. What would you take and what would you do with it?
Tampons. And I'm not going to build a house with 'em.

3. If you were to write a book what would the topic or premise be?If I knew, i'd be writing right now. I always thought writing a book about vampires would be awesome. THANKS, Stephenie Meyers.... Guess i'll have to write a book on how to build a house in 1850 using tampons from the future.

4. What is one trip you have never taken but would really like to take someday?
I'd really like to go to Kual Lampur. Did I spell that right? Probably not...

5. If you could swallow a pill that would stop anything of your choice from ever happening again what would the pill permanently end?
Stupidity. I just can't stand stupid people. I'm sure that would fix the idiot drivers, too. Have you heard of a blinker? USE IT!

Jan 29, 2009

Random



1. My awesome husband

2 .Pediatric dentists

3. Cranberry vodka

Jan 27, 2009

Can't say i'll actually DO this every day, but...

So,you're supposed to list some random little things that you're thankful for everyday...it'll give me something to post, yes?



1. My husband. No, really. I LIKE him. A LOT. Even though he farts in his sleep.


2. My hairless cat, Tito. Even though HE farts all the time.


3. My chicks. Even though they fart, too. (Come on, you knew that was coming.)



Tuesday Haiku

Ode to Tito the Hairless Cat


Cat, why must you sit

on my lap and keep farting?

You smell like sausage.

Jan 14, 2009

It's all about the Jonii

Jonii: 'Joe-nIE'; the Jonas Brothers

If you have girls over the age of 5, then it's all about the Jonii, baby. And, thank you Disney, the fruit of my loins have ecstatically educated me on the fact that there will be a Jonas Brothers movie. In DISNEY DIGITAL 3D!! Woooo. I can't wait. We get to see all about the hardships of being 16 and under and a multi-millionaire. It's a tough life, people. A tough life.

Both of my chicks think that Joe Jonas is the man. And more handsome than Prince Charming. And, although she stuttered for a mere moment, Joe is apparently, more handsome than Captain Jack Sparrow (the other love of Clairey's life). And, as she also pointed out, Joe is also more handsome than SMM. Poor SMM; thrown to the wolves by a 5-year old. Alas.

The Jonas Brothers are to my chicks what NKOTB were to me--just a bunch of cute boys singing about how I'm their popsicle.

Jan 13, 2009

Look, a pinata

Tito, the naked cat, is now a part of our home. The first thing Clairey said when we get him home, besides the expected squeals of excitement and "Oh! He's SO CAAA-UUUUTTTEEE!" was, "Oh, look! I can see his little wiener. It looks like a little pinata!"
She's 5.
She doesn't know the difference between a set of cajones and a wiener, but i let it go. We just all agreed that, yes, Tito has a pinata between his legs. The End.

Here's Tito, lecturing us all on the teachings of St. Thomas of Aquinas:

Later, scattering the entrails of his first kill:


Looking dashing, and teasing the ladies with a little tongue action: