Sep 30, 2004

Defining moments

This is my baby. My beautiful girl, my sassy-pants princess, my pooh bear, my reflection...

Three years ago, today, I was scared to death. I was about to be a mother. I didn't know how, I didn't know what to do. I was freaking out over the pain I was going through, and I wanted nothing but my epidural. And suddenly, there she was, and at that single, defining moment, my life changed.Motherhood hasn't been easy. It's been difficult, trying, and emotional. It's left me crippled with this disease that I've struggled with all my life, but because of motherhood, has been able to take advantage of the situation and ravaged me. It has changed my relationships with everyone I know, including myself. It makes me worry incessantly, feel lost and out of control, and makes me cry tears that I didn't know I had. However, in that one, single, defining moment--12:59pm, Sept. 30th, 2001--I changed for the better. As I looked at those perfect, tiny fingernails; at each glowing wrinkle in her skin, I felt an accomplishment like never before. Look what I made! Look what we created out of our love! Look! Looking at this lovely little girl now, three years later, I realize how much joy and happiness and elation she has brought into my life. Happiness that was never there before, and a happiness that I would have never known if it weren't for her. She teaches me new things every day. It was her that made me go get help, her that encourages me to be the best mother, her that showed me how to love without fear. Because of her, I'm learning how to be the best mother I can be, both for her, and her sister. There's no way to write how much I love her. No way to put in words, the feeling I get in my heart when she tells me she loves me. There's no way to describe that fiercely protective rush I feel when I hug her--when I hold her in my arms and know that she is part of me. There are no words to describe the heaven I see each night, as I lie next to her in her bed, as she whispers the events of her day and falls asleep with her breath on my cheek and her hand in my hair.She's amazing. An amazing child. Happy birthday to my angel, my blessing, my joy, my Jenna.