Feb 28, 2007

Let's be real

If the Girl Scouts were smart, they'd list the caloric content of Thin Mints by the sleeve. Let me help out all of you fellow Thin-Mint-eaters:

Serving Size: 1 sleeve
Fat: 32g
Carbs: 88

Feb 21, 2007

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Yesterday night, the chicks got into some kind of weird cleaning frenzy. They cleaned the playroom together, then Jenna went on to clean the "sleeping room," and the bathroom. She does this every once in a while, and it's very rarely that she can coerce Clairey into taking part in it. Claire, like most 3-year olds, makes more of a mess when trying to clean up then actually cleaning up. After each room was clean, I'd have to be led to that room (with my eyes closed), so the chicks could yell, "Surprise!" and show me what they had done. Wherein, I would act as if I had won a million dollars, and cover them in kisses to show how proud I was.

The way Jenna cleans up, is rather intriguing. Now, it's been well-publicized through this blog that I suffer (well, USED to suffer--yay for medication) from serious OCD. Gotta wonder if I've passed it on to the kid. In the playroom, she had all her "grasslands" animals lined up by type. Siberian tigers first--by size, then the regular tigers, then the leopards, then the feral cats. I actually don't know if they're feral, but since she says they live in the grasslands, lets say they are. Then I walked into the bathroom and saw this:

I asked Jen why she put everything on the side of the bathtub (these are what they play with in the bathtub--"real" tub toys?? WHY? They're quite happy with measuring spoons...). She replied, "Because this is how things go. First the circles, then the greens." NICE.

I just gave her a kiss, then walked back to the living room. But not without warning SMM:

"When you go to the bathroom, don't freak out if it says, 'RED RUM' on the mirror..."

Jenna: She's something else.

Feb 20, 2007

Oh yea, Big Time

25 days and counting....

Wedding dress: check (still need shoes, boob lifter, and 3 ft trimmed off the bottom)
Hotel room for wedding night: check
Honeymoon: check
New camera: check (not that it has anything to do with the wedding, but it's another thing I'm excited about)

yee hee!!

Feb 14, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Farmers of America,

Thank you for providing all of us Americans with healthy things to eat, like fresh fruit and vegetables. And to you ranchers: thanks for the beef--couldn't live without it. So, as I was eating my lunch, which comprised of lettuce and more lettuce, I was thinking, "Wow...this sure is 'lettucy." And I began thinking: there are tons of 'hybrid' fruits and vegetables (and probably cows), can you come up with another alternative for lettuce? I mean, there are different types of lettuce, but lets face it: They all taste GREEN. Can you come up with a lettuce that tastes like Frito pie? You can? Great. Get started.

Bless you,

Conversations with Jenna

[Driving home the other day, there were a bazillion birds flying through the air. It was very Hitchcockian. ]

Jenna: "MOM! Look at that herd of birds!"

Meeting the fam

This past weekend, SMM and I drove down to good 'ole Harlingen, Texas so I could meet his dad, step-mom, and brother. What a trip that is. Did you know that it is 6 (SIX) hours from Houston to Harlingen?! SMM actually told me, but I prefered to think that he was just kidding. But really, next time I drive 6 hours, I better end up in another frickin state. Driving 6 hours and still ending up in the same state? Ridiculous. I did learn several things on the way to the border though: Harlingen is lovingly referred to as "North Mexico"; Mexicans come over the border and buy cars, then tow them back to Mexico--as was evident in the 10 "in tow" caravans we saw; apparently, a lot of fruit is grown in South Texas because there were fruit stands every 10 yards; South Texas grows some damn big dogs--more on that later.

While we were in Harlingen, SMM took me to the beautiful and picturesque South Padre Island. I had my hopes up with this trip. You know, that's where 50% of the "Girls Gone Wild" videos are produced--the other 50% being Cancun. To be in a place where such film-making has occured...it's just a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. To bad it was rainy. And cold. And totally crappy out. We went to the beach so SMM could prove to me that there IS clean beach-water in Texas...he's right...it IS clean, but it was hard to tell between the 5-ft swells and crashing waves. It was so windy, that as I was trying to take pictures, the force of the wind was blowing me and my camera around. So, we left the beach and went to go find some grub. We ate at a little restaurant called, "Amberjacks," which was supposed to have good seafood. It was alright, but they totally made up for it by having screwdrivers for $2. We had an appetizer, and a good meal, and the bill was only $35--most of that was screwdrivers. And our little waiter was from Michigan--GO BLUE!

Onto the family:
When we first arrived in North Mexico, we stopped at the salon where SMM's step-mom is a colorist. We walked in, and she was sitting at the counter. The first thing she said to me was, "You ARE as cute as a button!" Ding, ding. I love the woman. Then she said she liked my hair. Good thing I gave her that finski to make me feel comfortable. Then we drove over to The Dad's house. As we were getting out of the car, SMM spotted "Uncle Wally" across the street. Uncle Wally's a redneck, and as funny as all get-out. He was hanging out with his ex-wife, Aunt Jill, who weighs about a buck-o-five and has a good relationship with Bud Light and Mr. Gallo. Then Grandma joined us--what a little spitfire she is! She had me cracking up. But seriously, any 80+ year old that can say, "fuck you" with a straight face has my vote. Go grandma. Then The Dad walked over. I was nervous. Why, you ask? I have no clue. I always get nervous when I meet people that are supposed to like me. But The Dad is the sweetest man ever. He is a large man--towers over me by quite a bit. We just sat out in the driveway, and laughed our asses off. Good times, good times.

Hold on, I'm almost finished. So, you guys should see the size of the dog they have. I swear to you, it's the size of a small cow. It is, without a doubt, the largest dog I have ever seen. It's also the laziest dog I have ever seen. I tried to give it a treat, and instead of standing up, it scooted itself around like a wounded seal. They also had a grey parrot, which was creepy smart. You talk to this bird, and you can see the wheels turning in it's little head. It's eyes are scary. You know it's thinking, "Just wait, human, until you go to bed..." Ewww. It bit my finger, that little asswipe.

All in all, fantastic trip. I love this family!

Feb 13, 2007

Happy Valentines Day!

Or, if you prefer, "Happy Sweetest Day!" It's actually still the 13th--I'm just a bit early. It's 10:24 pm, and the chicks are just NOW asleep. Seriously, getting them to bed is easy. Getting them to go to sleep is very tough. Very tough, indeed. SMM is all snuggly in the bed (he's not feeling very well--earache, hurty chest...), and I just snuck out to get everyone's V-day treats ready for tomorrow morning.

I'm tired and all I can think about is how I have laundry to do, and timesheets to submit. Isn't life a bitch?

Who invented the speculum?

Because, seriously, they need their ass kicked. Every woman cringes when they hear this:

"Can you pass me the larger speculum, please? I can't see enough with this one."

Please. Please spread me as wide open as humanly possible because it's comfortable. About as comfortable as riding a boys bicycle then trying to hop up the curb and not making it and popping off the seat and landing directly onto said bar. Wait, it's even more uncomfortable than that.

And when the doctor says, "This is going to cramp a little," what she actually means is, "Hold on tight, because i'm going to put something that you can't see, up inside you, then it's going to pinch like a mother fucker."

If the doctor would just tell the truth, we all wouldn't get our hopes up about these "easy" procedures.

Good news: No cancer on the outside of the cervix. Now we wait for the internal report...

Food meme: 5 foods and what they mean to you

Five foods: what they mean to you, why you like them, why they're special, why everyone must try them, why you will eat them for the rest of your life. Go.

1. Artichokes. So random, right? Growing up, my mom always let us choose what to eat on our birthdays. I always chose artichokes. They're an expensive vegetable, so we never bought them on a regular basis. Everytime i eat one, i think of my special birthday meals. Artichokes are the cat's pajamas.

2. Raw potatoes. I will always pick them from the pot and crunch them raw. My favorite uncle was killed in a motorcycle wreck when I was in 5th grade. He and I used to hijack raw potato pieces from my grama when she was making mashed potatoes. I didn't really like them, but I wanted to be just like him, so i'd choke them down with a forced, "mmmmm!" I actually like them now, and they remind me of him.

3. Sushi. Sushi makes me happy. It reminds me of my mom and my sister, and special "girl" time. Now my girls eat sushi, and it's something that we carve out special time for.

4. Guinness. This is a heavy beer, so it counts as food, right? I've always loved Guinness, but it never meant anything to me other than a good buzz until a wonderful night at The Black Labrador, where over a pint of Guinness, I realized that I had found the love of my life. Now just the taste of it makes me smile.

5. Strawberry Jell-o pie. Another birthday thing. My mom used to make this pie, special, just for me. She still does it. :)

Feb 7, 2007

Search Words

Every once in a while, I'll check out my stat counter to see how many people are viewing the good 'ol blog, who's checking it out, etc. Another thing I can check, is what words people are "googling" that bring them to my blog. I present to you, exhibit A:

I think--okay, I hope--that you will find the 3 search terms that I find, well, frickin' weird.

1. "girls gone wild at home school pictures"
Okay, the "girls gone wild"--I can see that there could be searches for that. But the additon of "at home school pictures"?! You're nasty.

2. "please suggest me how can i see my sis boobs"
First off, if you're trying to figure out how to see your sister's boobs, you have a big problem (and so does your sister). You're inbred. Stop it now, and get some help. Secondly, I don't care if you're trying to use your manners, and say, "please." It's still disturbing. Again, get some help.

3. "women likin women's pee holes"
Um...wow. I'm actually stumped with this one.

Feb 6, 2007

I flip for them

My little pumpshkins, after gymnastics...

"To Hell and Back" or "The Night we had 5 Children"

A few weeks ago, okay, so maybe like a month ago, SMM and I had all of our kids, and then bravely took on one more. We figured, "We can't handle 4, so what's one more added to the mix?" Bwahahahahaha...

At the beginning of the evening, we had 5 children: Tyler (6), Jenna (5), Loo (4), Clairey (3), and Caeden (2). We tried to find a one-year old, but nobody had one available for rent. So, we did what any normal parents of 5 would do--poured large glasses of wine, put all the kids in the playroom, and told them to 'duke it out,' UFC style--last one standing gets some candy and the title of "SMH Featherweight Champion" (SMH=Sock Monkey Household).

In actuality, we piled them all in the playroom and turned on a movie. Here's the result:

From left to right: Clairey, Tyler, Caeden, Jenna, Loo
At this point, still willing to take pictures.

Clairey and Loo. "Here, Loo. Keep mom busy whilst
I fashion a sharp object from this lego."

The two newest additons to the "Chick Compound."

And here I am...dancing Cheetah girl!
The troops. Notice Clairey looking sensual for the camera.
The boys, giggling uncontrollably because they realize how much
their future step-mom rocks.

Claire: "Uh-oh, there's mom. I'm going to pretend I'm asleep.
I didn't do it! Caeden did it."
Loo: "I'll go to sleep for one-MILLION dollars! "
Jenna: "Bwahahah! Bwhahahaha! You look like Dr. Evil! Oh,
and I didn't do it. Caeden did."
Caeden: "WTF?"
Tyler: "Let me tell you exactly what happened,
play by play. First..."

Clairey: "I think she's falling for it."
Loo: "Damn, she suspects me!"
Jenna: "Fingers in, "Hoover-like" suction beginning."
Caeden: "If that woman wipes my nose one more time,
I'm outta here."
Tyler: [Out cold. Dreaming of chicken nuggets.]

March Madness

Wait...it's still February, but I have March on my mind. Why, you ask? Well, let me tell you:
The house is going up for sale, I have a huge launch at work that's going to kick my ass, and I'm getting married. Oh yes, you read that right: I.AM.GETTING.MARRIED. On St. Patrick's Day. And I couldn't be more excited or more hopeful about me and the chicks' future!

So, back to February. It has been, thus far, a rather interesting month. First off, we have found out that Jenna, my boo-boo chicken, has Asperger's Syndrome. Technically, it's a high-functioning form of Autism which symptomatically shows high-intelligence, but poor social skills. So, in normal speak, my kid is brilliant, but is not good at parties. --sigh-- We're working on it. She has further testing on the 16th, in which they will let us know exactly how smart she is, and will hopefully, give us insight into when she's going to take over the world.

(pause).....(i just had to clean the cat litter. She took a dump and it the stench rivaled pure sulfur.)

So, ex-husband and I took the news quite well. SMM let out a sigh and said, "Well, THAT explains a lot!" As I think we all did. This "syndrome" also offers great insight into Jenna's obsessions with certain things; as in, for instance, the CHEETAH. And, oh yes, it must be capitalized in this house because the CHEETAH is loved so very much. You have never seen CHEETAH-adoration like you will see in this house. Not only does Jenna love the CHEETAH, she simply adores it, and wants to BE it. SMM and I spend many a night yelling to the playroom, "Jenna! Quit rowring!" Because, of course, she is a CHEETAH. My one wish is that the CHEETAH would go to bed at a respectable hour, because 10 o'clock is too late for the CHEETAH, and it's too late for Clairey (the non-CHEETAH).

[In case you missed it: I'm getting married in 39 days!]

With love,
The CHEETAH mother