Feb 28, 2007
Feb 21, 2007
I asked Jen why she put everything on the side of the bathtub (these are what they play with in the bathtub--"real" tub toys?? WHY? They're quite happy with measuring spoons...). She replied, "Because this is how things go. First the circles, then the greens." NICE.
I just gave her a kiss, then walked back to the living room. But not without warning SMM:
"When you go to the bathroom, don't freak out if it says, 'RED RUM' on the mirror..."
Jenna: She's something else.
Feb 20, 2007
Wedding dress: check (still need shoes, boob lifter, and 3 ft trimmed off the bottom)
Hotel room for wedding night: check
New camera: check (not that it has anything to do with the wedding, but it's another thing I'm excited about)
Feb 14, 2007
Thank you for providing all of us Americans with healthy things to eat, like fresh fruit and vegetables. And to you ranchers: thanks for the beef--couldn't live without it. So, as I was eating my lunch, which comprised of lettuce and more lettuce, I was thinking, "Wow...this sure is 'lettucy." And I began thinking: there are tons of 'hybrid' fruits and vegetables (and probably cows), can you come up with another alternative for lettuce? I mean, there are different types of lettuce, but lets face it: They all taste GREEN. Can you come up with a lettuce that tastes like Frito pie? You can? Great. Get started.
While we were in Harlingen, SMM took me to the beautiful and picturesque South Padre Island. I had my hopes up with this trip. You know, that's where 50% of the "Girls Gone Wild" videos are produced--the other 50% being Cancun. To be in a place where such film-making has occured...it's just a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. To bad it was rainy. And cold. And totally crappy out. We went to the beach so SMM could prove to me that there IS clean beach-water in Texas...he's right...it IS clean, but it was hard to tell between the 5-ft swells and crashing waves. It was so windy, that as I was trying to take pictures, the force of the wind was blowing me and my camera around. So, we left the beach and went to go find some grub. We ate at a little restaurant called, "Amberjacks," which was supposed to have good seafood. It was alright, but they totally made up for it by having screwdrivers for $2. We had an appetizer, and a good meal, and the bill was only $35--most of that was screwdrivers. And our little waiter was from Michigan--GO BLUE!
Onto the family:
When we first arrived in North Mexico, we stopped at the salon where SMM's step-mom is a colorist. We walked in, and she was sitting at the counter. The first thing she said to me was, "You ARE as cute as a button!" Ding, ding. I love the woman. Then she said she liked my hair. Good thing I gave her that finski to make me feel comfortable. Then we drove over to The Dad's house. As we were getting out of the car, SMM spotted "Uncle Wally" across the street. Uncle Wally's a redneck, and as funny as all get-out. He was hanging out with his ex-wife, Aunt Jill, who weighs about a buck-o-five and has a good relationship with Bud Light and Mr. Gallo. Then Grandma joined us--what a little spitfire she is! She had me cracking up. But seriously, any 80+ year old that can say, "fuck you" with a straight face has my vote. Go grandma. Then The Dad walked over. I was nervous. Why, you ask? I have no clue. I always get nervous when I meet people that are supposed to like me. But The Dad is the sweetest man ever. He is a large man--towers over me by quite a bit. We just sat out in the driveway, and laughed our asses off. Good times, good times.
Hold on, I'm almost finished. So, you guys should see the size of the dog they have. I swear to you, it's the size of a small cow. It is, without a doubt, the largest dog I have ever seen. It's also the laziest dog I have ever seen. I tried to give it a treat, and instead of standing up, it scooted itself around like a wounded seal. They also had a grey parrot, which was creepy smart. You talk to this bird, and you can see the wheels turning in it's little head. It's eyes are scary. You know it's thinking, "Just wait, human, until you go to bed..." Ewww. It bit my finger, that little asswipe.
All in all, fantastic trip. I love this family!
Feb 13, 2007
I'm tired and all I can think about is how I have laundry to do, and timesheets to submit. Isn't life a bitch?
"Can you pass me the larger speculum, please? I can't see enough with this one."
Please. Please spread me as wide open as humanly possible because it's comfortable. About as comfortable as riding a boys bicycle then trying to hop up the curb and not making it and popping off the seat and landing directly onto said bar. Wait, it's even more uncomfortable than that.
And when the doctor says, "This is going to cramp a little," what she actually means is, "Hold on tight, because i'm going to put something that you can't see, up inside you, then it's going to pinch like a mother fucker."
If the doctor would just tell the truth, we all wouldn't get our hopes up about these "easy" procedures.
Good news: No cancer on the outside of the cervix. Now we wait for the internal report...
1. Artichokes. So random, right? Growing up, my mom always let us choose what to eat on our birthdays. I always chose artichokes. They're an expensive vegetable, so we never bought them on a regular basis. Everytime i eat one, i think of my special birthday meals. Artichokes are the cat's pajamas.
2. Raw potatoes. I will always pick them from the pot and crunch them raw. My favorite uncle was killed in a motorcycle wreck when I was in 5th grade. He and I used to hijack raw potato pieces from my grama when she was making mashed potatoes. I didn't really like them, but I wanted to be just like him, so i'd choke them down with a forced, "mmmmm!" I actually like them now, and they remind me of him.
3. Sushi. Sushi makes me happy. It reminds me of my mom and my sister, and special "girl" time. Now my girls eat sushi, and it's something that we carve out special time for.
4. Guinness. This is a heavy beer, so it counts as food, right? I've always loved Guinness, but it never meant anything to me other than a good buzz until a wonderful night at The Black Labrador, where over a pint of Guinness, I realized that I had found the love of my life. Now just the taste of it makes me smile.
5. Strawberry Jell-o pie. Another birthday thing. My mom used to make this pie, special, just for me. She still does it. :)
Feb 7, 2007
I think--okay, I hope--that you will find the 3 search terms that I find, well, frickin' weird.
1. "girls gone wild at home school pictures"
Okay, the "girls gone wild"--I can see that there could be searches for that. But the additon of "at home school pictures"?! You're nasty.
2. "please suggest me how can i see my sis boobs"
First off, if you're trying to figure out how to see your sister's boobs, you have a big problem (and so does your sister). You're inbred. Stop it now, and get some help. Secondly, I don't care if you're trying to use your manners, and say, "please." It's still disturbing. Again, get some help.
3. "women likin women's pee holes"
Um...wow. I'm actually stumped with this one.
Feb 6, 2007
At the beginning of the evening, we had 5 children: Tyler (6), Jenna (5), Loo (4), Clairey (3), and Caeden (2). We tried to find a one-year old, but nobody had one available for rent. So, we did what any normal parents of 5 would do--poured large glasses of wine, put all the kids in the playroom, and told them to 'duke it out,' UFC style--last one standing gets some candy and the title of "SMH Featherweight Champion" (SMH=Sock Monkey Household).
At this point, still willing to take pictures.
I fashion a sharp object from this lego."
The boys, giggling uncontrollably because they realize how much
their future step-mom rocks.
Claire: "Uh-oh, there's mom. I'm going to pretend I'm asleep.
I didn't do it! Caeden did it."
Loo: "I'll go to sleep for one-MILLION dollars! "
Jenna: "Bwahahah! Bwhahahaha! You look like Dr. Evil! Oh,
and I didn't do it. Caeden did."
Tyler: "Let me tell you exactly what happened,
play by play. First..."
Clairey: "I think she's falling for it."
Loo: "Damn, she suspects me!"
Jenna: "Fingers in, "Hoover-like" suction beginning."
Caeden: "If that woman wipes my nose one more time,
I'm outta here."
Tyler: [Out cold. Dreaming of chicken nuggets.]
The house is going up for sale, I have a huge launch at work that's going to kick my ass, and I'm getting married. Oh yes, you read that right: I.AM.GETTING.MARRIED. On St. Patrick's Day. And I couldn't be more excited or more hopeful about me and the chicks' future!
So, back to February. It has been, thus far, a rather interesting month. First off, we have found out that Jenna, my boo-boo chicken, has Asperger's Syndrome. Technically, it's a high-functioning form of Autism which symptomatically shows high-intelligence, but poor social skills. So, in normal speak, my kid is brilliant, but is not good at parties. --sigh-- We're working on it. She has further testing on the 16th, in which they will let us know exactly how smart she is, and will hopefully, give us insight into when she's going to take over the world.
(pause).....(i just had to clean the cat litter. She took a dump and it the stench rivaled pure sulfur.)
So, ex-husband and I took the news quite well. SMM let out a sigh and said, "Well, THAT explains a lot!" As I think we all did. This "syndrome" also offers great insight into Jenna's obsessions with certain things; as in, for instance, the CHEETAH. And, oh yes, it must be capitalized in this house because the CHEETAH is loved so very much. You have never seen CHEETAH-adoration like you will see in this house. Not only does Jenna love the CHEETAH, she simply adores it, and wants to BE it. SMM and I spend many a night yelling to the playroom, "Jenna! Quit rowring!" Because, of course, she is a CHEETAH. My one wish is that the CHEETAH would go to bed at a respectable hour, because 10 o'clock is too late for the CHEETAH, and it's too late for Clairey (the non-CHEETAH).
[In case you missed it: I'm getting married in 39 days!]
The CHEETAH mother