Feb 27, 2006


"You know, daddy, if I see an old lady walk by, I'm going to whip her butt."

But apparently, this will only take place if she's a MEAN old lady.

Boys. They sure are different.

Feb 23, 2006

How to end a date in four words...

"Oh, fuck YOU bitch."
"Wanna see my cooter?"
"It's only a booger."
"Is slimy discharge bad?"
"Hey, there's my boyfriend."
"I invited my mom."
"Oh yea...it's small..."

Your turn...

Feb 22, 2006

25 questions that I stole from another blogger because I'm bored but really have nothing of great importance to say

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? "Hey! I think this wrinkle cream is working!"

2. How much cash do you have on you? I shouldn't publicize this, since I don't want to risk getting hit in the head with a heavy object and robbed of all my worldly possessions, but I'll tell you: $1.47. Don't worry. I'll spend it wisely.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST" (not last person's answer!): Vest. As in, "Really, I can't take you seriously as long as you're wearing that sweater vest."

4. My favorite planet? Uranus. hahahahahaha...cracks me up every time. No, not really. Probably, Neptune. That's like the forgotten planet. Random fact: Neptune is smaller in diameter but larger in mass than Uranus. hahahaha. I am laughing so hard.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list: Ironically enough--the person whom I stole this blog idea from. bwahahahahaha....

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? Pantera's "Cemetary Gates." I hear it a lot, and it always makes me smile.

7. What shirt are you wearing? I should have done this questionnaire on a more exciting day--I'm wearing a green camp shirt. Woo.

8. What do you label yourself? People label me enough--I don't need to be creating any labels for myself...

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're wearing? Um...hang on...must take shoe off...Cherokee. Target specials. They're brown leather, mary janes. My two-year old has the same shoes.

10. Bright or Dark Room? Bright. I love the way the sun paints patterns on the floor.

11. What were you doing at midnight last night? Apologizing for being an idiot.

12. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? ":-D thank you bg! Ilu2...mtw!!" Can I hear a collective, "awwwwwwwww...."?

13. Where is your nearest 7-11? Probably in the closest Northern state. But let me tell you--if there was a 7-11 I'd be all over that Slurpee machine like white on rice.

14. What's a saying that you say a lot? Not really a saying, but a word: "random". Example: one of the chicks says, "Mom. Pigs are pink." I'll say, "Yes, they are. Thanks for that random fact."

15.Who told you they loved you last? My boyfriend. But I don't like to call him my boyfriend--that sounds so ridiculous. I don't know what to call him. So, I don't know, if anyone can come up with a good substitute, let me know.

16. Last furry thing you touched? Of course, something dirty came to mind. Wait, I can't remember the last time I actually touched my cat--maybe the "something dirty" is the right answer.

17. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three Days? 3, at least. And that's not counting the illegal variety. Just kidding, people. Just. Kidding.

18. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? Rolls? The only "rolls" I have in my house are the toilet paper, the one around my waist, and the ones on Clairey's baby-thighs.

19. Favorite age you have been so far? Hmmmmm...I don't think i've hit my favorite age yet.

20. Your worst enemy? Pistachios. Man, those are MY enemy and anyone within a 10-foot radius.

21. What is your current desktop picture? My super-fun car.

22. What was the last thing you said to someone? Out loud? "Good luck, i love you!"

23. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose? Hmmmm...how fast can I fly? Fast enough to...say..."borrow" a million bucks and fly away without being noticed? I think I'd actually choose to fly. I mean, I could blow a million bucks by the time I'm 90, but if I'm 90 and have arthritic knees, I'm gonna love me some flying!

24. Do you like someone? I like a lot of people.

25. The last song you listened to? I don't remember. However, I've been singing "Senor Don Gato" in my head for the last hour.

Feb 21, 2006

What's wrong with Cyril?

Have you guys ever seen "Maisy"? As in, "Maisy mouse," the children's animated cartoon character and storybook friend? No? Oh really, you must--you MUST. The show is crudely animated, or is it that the characters are just crudely drawn? They look as if a third grader took a Sharpie and tested their animal-drawing prowess. None of the animals, be it Maisy, Tellulah (a bird), Eddie (elephant), or Cyril (the alligator) speak--but they make noises and a happy-sounding, male narrator tells us what they're saying. It's so very nice of him. Well, all the animals make little squeaky sounds EXCEPT for Cyril. Cyril is....special. Cyril sounds like a confused drunk. A REALLY confused drunk. He's all, "da duh...aba du da do?" Which means, "Hello, Maisy. May I borrow a cup of sugar?" or perhaps, "buh ba boo? Da ma nuh ba noo?" Which translates to, "How are you? I'm fine, thanks." Cyril has taken one too many hits off of Maisy's special lemonade. What the hell's wrong with Cyril?

Feb 13, 2006

Valentines, schmalentines

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love.
You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart.

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!)

Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic

What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays

Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

I'm not 100% against Valentine's Day, by any means. If someone wants to get me chocolate, then hey, I'm not going to complain. I think Valentine's Day should be used as, not a cheesy holiday, but just a day to remind your special someone that, indeed, they are someone special. I think cards are fantastic. I think little gifts are amazing--especially the type that are uncommon and unexpected. I know what I'm getting for Valentine's Day, and I can't wait for it to get here! tee hee!

Feb 10, 2006


Guess what I did today? No, not that. Nope, not that either. And certainly, CERTAINLY not THAT. I did, however, get divorced. Yep. Divorced. And might I just make a suggestion to anyone that's thinking about it? It is so NOT easy, and so NOT fun. Not that I was expecting it to be a cakewalk with confetti and champagne, but it sucks--even when you're the one that wants it. I think what kills me most, is the "other shit." Not even the actual shit that is part of the divorce, but the OTHER shit--which involves OTHER people, who have NOTHING to do with your divorce or WHY you're getting divorced, but hell, they just have to develop their own opinion based on anything and everything they've heard and then you're just screwed. Yeah, THAT other shit. I've lost quite a few friends during this process, and really, it just ticks me off. I understand how it happened, but it STILL pisses me off. You have to understand, this was an amicable divorce, and by "amicable," I mean we didn't try to kill each other with wooden spoons and plastic knives. There were the accusations and the yelling, and the hateful words, and the trying to be nice and move alongs. There was lots of crying and the thinking that I'm a horrible person, and the "oh-my-God-what-am-I-doing-to-the-kids." But there were also the "I am so proud that I was able to break away," and the "I am amazingly happy." Lots of feelings. But people...people are so nosey. People want to be informed. People want to know the dirt; know what's going on behind the closed doors. The thing is, when it's something that hurts me, I don't want to talk about it. I don't tell anybody--not my best friend, not my sister, not my mom. My sister takes the brunt of most of it, then my mom, but that's about it.

I've found that it's pretty easy to lose friends that way--by way of "not talking." It upsets me, but you know, not everyone is the same. Some people don't like to talk about it--that would be me. I just need someone to talk to ME, and remind me that things around me are still normal. That's what I need. I've had enough stress in my life, recently, where I refuse to deal with any more. I don't need anyone to lecture me, or tell me I'm not a good friend, or that my concept of friendship is wrong. To each his own. Lives change, and people change, and in order to build/retain lasting friendships, people have to respect those changes. I suppose, "roll with the punches," in a way.

Then there are the friends that you lose because they were kind of your ex's friends first. There's one couple in particular that I really loved hanging out with. We didn't hang out very often, but when we did, it was a blast. Of course, my ex will still see them often, as he plays softball and golf with the male part of that configuration. Me? I'll most likely never see them again. Not only because I don't want to feel like I'm "moving in" on his friends, but because they have heard my ex's opinions on this whole divorce, so I'm sure they have developed their own thoughts on it, based on what he's told them. I can guarantee you that his opionion is not nice. It doesn't paint a pretty picture. --sigh--

Then there's the family. My ex's family, which I miss, but have found out that one of his sisters "never liked" me anyway, and that my favorite sister-in-law has said some choice words about me. I'm telling ya. It's killer. What really sucks, is that my brother has basically taken sides. That truly deserves an ass-kicking. If he wasn't much bigger than me, and an ex-Marine, I'd beat him within an inch of his life. My dad has also taken sides--haha--the two men who I've built all my opinions on men upon...tell me THAT doesn't suck big goat balls.

Okay, I think I'm finished bitching about this. Today is the beginning of a new life in love for me. I've learned what I can deal with, and what I can't; what I need, and what I don't; what truly makes me happy, and what causes me to cry. The most important thing I've found, is ME.

I've also found that chili and cheese on tator tots is pretty damn awesome.

Gimme some comments, people. I need to laugh.

Friday Haiku

Rain, rain, go away
I just got divorced today.
Boy, does it feel strange.

Feb 9, 2006

Feeling blue

Today, me and my chicks are sporting blue streaks in our hair. I work for a very young, hip, and kickass company, where blue-hair is accepted. Plus, I'm the only one in my office, so it really doesn't matter. Anyways, after the chicks saw my hair, they wanted blue hair, too--and why would I deny them?! Jenna has a few streaks in the front, to which she replied, "MOM. This is absolutely COOL." And Clairey has a few streaks in the front, to which she replied, "Boo hair! boo hair! Yeah!"


Their dad is picking them up from school/sitter's today--wonder how that's going to go over.


When I was in 5th grade, my mom let me dye large chunks of my hair electric blue. She was the coolest mom ever (and still is). I know that story's around here somewhere...

Not surprising...

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few.
But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky.

Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

Feb 8, 2006

From the mouths of babes

Jenna: "Mommy, I love you--you're my girl!"

Clairey: "You're a neck!"
Mommy: "A 'neck'?"
Clairey: "You such a neck!"

Pre-explanation: Claire's poop has been vibrant green for the past week...
Mommy: "Clairey, what's up with all the green poop? What have you been eating? Grass?"
Jenna: "I think it's the pickles."

Feb 3, 2006

Hear the voice that causes mean 'ol bastards to melt

This is Clairey, age 2.5. She's going through this stage where she likes to talk like a baby--i don't know what's up with that. So here ya go--Claire discussing her recent painting of a pink, sparkly kitty; and a few lines of "The Itsy Bitsy Spider."

this is an audio post - click to play

Feb 2, 2006

Everyones favorite mom

Kid: "Mom, I'm hungry. I want breakfast."
Mom: "You want cake?"
Kid: "No."
Mom: "Well, that's what we're having--chocolate cake."
Kid: "No! I don't want cake!"
Mom: "Listen, we're out of cereal; I have to go to the store. You either eat chocolate cake for breakfast, or you're not eating."

I remember thinking, once, that my kids would always have a nutritious breakfast...


I've been tagged, blogger style:

Here are the rules: The tagged victim lists 8 different points of their perfect lover/partner, mentioning the sex of said partner. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on a post letting them know they've been tagged. If tagged before, no need to contribute.

I will spare you all the trouble, and will be not be tagging...

So, let's see...my "perfect" partner must:

1. Be courteous. I can't stand rude people. If someone says, "Thank you," you say "You're welcome." Smile at people, for God's sake. If you want to be a mean bastard, then feel free, but you won't be doing it with me.

2. Be interested, meaning: please take an interest in some of the things that interest me. I'm not asking you to love it, i'm not asking you to take on my hobbies; i'm asking you to RESPECT what I like and, perhaps, be open to learning about some of my favorite things.

3. Be health-conscious. I'm not asking for someone who is constantly counting calories, but please, if you're my "perfect partner," I'd like you to be around to grow old with. Know what I mean?

4. Have a sense of humor. I'm silly. It helps if you are too. That would readily eliminate any of the "You're such a dipshit" looks that I'm so accustomed to getting.

5. Be a communicator. If you can't talk to me, it's just not going to work. I really do want to know what you're thinking.

6. Love my kids. They are my life. I'm a package deal, baby.

7. Be romantic. I'm a sucker for romance. You don't have to buy me things, but if you leave me a love note, I'll melt.

8. Be intelligent. I'm not saying you have to be an Einstein, but come on, you HAVE to be able to carry on an intelligent conversation with me.

I could keep going, but I'm limited to 8...