Feb 10, 2006

Rant-of-the-year

Guess what I did today? No, not that. Nope, not that either. And certainly, CERTAINLY not THAT. I did, however, get divorced. Yep. Divorced. And might I just make a suggestion to anyone that's thinking about it? It is so NOT easy, and so NOT fun. Not that I was expecting it to be a cakewalk with confetti and champagne, but it sucks--even when you're the one that wants it. I think what kills me most, is the "other shit." Not even the actual shit that is part of the divorce, but the OTHER shit--which involves OTHER people, who have NOTHING to do with your divorce or WHY you're getting divorced, but hell, they just have to develop their own opinion based on anything and everything they've heard and then you're just screwed. Yeah, THAT other shit. I've lost quite a few friends during this process, and really, it just ticks me off. I understand how it happened, but it STILL pisses me off. You have to understand, this was an amicable divorce, and by "amicable," I mean we didn't try to kill each other with wooden spoons and plastic knives. There were the accusations and the yelling, and the hateful words, and the trying to be nice and move alongs. There was lots of crying and the thinking that I'm a horrible person, and the "oh-my-God-what-am-I-doing-to-the-kids." But there were also the "I am so proud that I was able to break away," and the "I am amazingly happy." Lots of feelings. But people...people are so nosey. People want to be informed. People want to know the dirt; know what's going on behind the closed doors. The thing is, when it's something that hurts me, I don't want to talk about it. I don't tell anybody--not my best friend, not my sister, not my mom. My sister takes the brunt of most of it, then my mom, but that's about it.

I've found that it's pretty easy to lose friends that way--by way of "not talking." It upsets me, but you know, not everyone is the same. Some people don't like to talk about it--that would be me. I just need someone to talk to ME, and remind me that things around me are still normal. That's what I need. I've had enough stress in my life, recently, where I refuse to deal with any more. I don't need anyone to lecture me, or tell me I'm not a good friend, or that my concept of friendship is wrong. To each his own. Lives change, and people change, and in order to build/retain lasting friendships, people have to respect those changes. I suppose, "roll with the punches," in a way.

Then there are the friends that you lose because they were kind of your ex's friends first. There's one couple in particular that I really loved hanging out with. We didn't hang out very often, but when we did, it was a blast. Of course, my ex will still see them often, as he plays softball and golf with the male part of that configuration. Me? I'll most likely never see them again. Not only because I don't want to feel like I'm "moving in" on his friends, but because they have heard my ex's opinions on this whole divorce, so I'm sure they have developed their own thoughts on it, based on what he's told them. I can guarantee you that his opionion is not nice. It doesn't paint a pretty picture. --sigh--

Then there's the family. My ex's family, which I miss, but have found out that one of his sisters "never liked" me anyway, and that my favorite sister-in-law has said some choice words about me. I'm telling ya. It's killer. What really sucks, is that my brother has basically taken sides. That truly deserves an ass-kicking. If he wasn't much bigger than me, and an ex-Marine, I'd beat him within an inch of his life. My dad has also taken sides--haha--the two men who I've built all my opinions on men upon...tell me THAT doesn't suck big goat balls.

Okay, I think I'm finished bitching about this. Today is the beginning of a new life in love for me. I've learned what I can deal with, and what I can't; what I need, and what I don't; what truly makes me happy, and what causes me to cry. The most important thing I've found, is ME.

I've also found that chili and cheese on tator tots is pretty damn awesome.

Gimme some comments, people. I need to laugh.

6 comments:

TitanKT said...

I remember the day I got divorced. I agree about the level of suckage involved and I promise you my divorce (by the time we got around to it) was as emotionless as such a thing can ever be. I felt relief to be free of the dead weight of a failed relationship, I can tell you that.

Anyway, since you said you need to laugh, I want to tell a joke or something but I don't know any. You have your adorable and whipsmart little chicks to keep you entertained... way better than I could!

The good news is, even if all that stuff does suck, at least it's all behind you now and you can go forward and enjoy your life.

Keep us updated! We miss you and think of you often.

jeni said...

stephie:

roses are red
violets are blue
but so is your hair
and i still love you.

i have to tell you, i'm so proud of how you're handling this....in the sense that you're learning what's good for you and what's not, what you are willing to put up with, and whast you're not.

that shows strength beyond what i would ever imagine i would do. i'm a vengeful little lesbian, that's why i stay out of relationships. i don't want to put people's lives at risk! tee hee:)

really, steph, i see you as a mountain of courage, a boatload of strength and a spirit as big as the biggest sun on the rbightest day ever.

i'm proud to call you a friend.

now....down to the most intimate details.....

KIDDING!!!!!! i love ya, girl.

Mike ( ex scientia, veritas ) said...

Been there, done that. I started several times to write about what worked for me, but you need to let the dust settle and get some perspective. That takes a couple of years.

In the meantime, here's a huge hug to go with your snacks. ;)

AL said...

I can't say that I can relate like some of the others here . . . I can say that I am guilty of being one of those "people". To be honest, I have been thinking about this most of the weekend. I was ashamed to admit that DH & I were arguing about this, but it is so damn hard not to!

I care about you, the chicks, and all of your well-being. My inquiries are always out of concern and love; not to be nosey. I can only imagine what it is like to be in your shoes and think that some of the people are treating you crappy based on this situation. Someone that truly cares about you would separate you from the situation. I would venture to guess that many of the people you mentioned aren't considering you, b/c you have been lost in the relationship. Shame on them!

You are a strong woman for making this decision. It is not easy to admit to yourself these feelings and take the steps to be happy when it involves hurting many people. I know the circumstances are not picture perfect - is any divorce?

Time will heal everyone involved. You will know where you stand with people and who your friends are. The most important part is that you found yourself and chili cheese tater tots! Yummy :)

titankt said...

Steph, I've never in my life had chili cheese tater tots... but on your recommendation, I went to Sonic tonight and had the chili cheese tater tots with jalapenos and a Cherry Limeade. Wow... So, so, so, so good. Thanks for recommending it! Sonic's got 'em, others don't.

Becky said...

I was divorced four years ago and I know of what you speak in terms of the nosy people and losing friends. I loved my in-laws, but I was in a different position than you in that they didn't blame me for leaving. Regardless, their loyalty was with my Ex (as it should've been) and I totally understood. I'm surprised that your brother and Dad have responded that way b/c they should know you well enough that you are capable of making a decision that is best for you. What many people don't realize, until they've gone through something like this, is that NO ONE knows what has really gone on behind the closed doors except for the couple. And that's why I don't judge other couples and their break-ups.