Mar 28, 2008

I almost died

I love Texas. I love the rolling hills, the open praries, the bustling city, and the stinky ocean. Hell, I even love the sweltering summers. But if I could, I would move. "But why, Stewbie?" you may ask. Because. I HATE TREE ROACHES.

I have my house treated with insecticide every 4 months. Every 4 months, a company comes and treats the outside of my house, and then comes in and sprays the inside. I have no spiders, ants, earwigs, or any other little creepy-crawly thing. But i have the occasional tree roach. And there is not a damned thing anyone can do about it.

Last night, SMM and I retired early--about quarter-til 10. He went to bed first--I had to do my rounds: take my pill, turn on the bathroom light, kiss my Jenna, kiss my Clairey. I went into our room, shut the bathroom door, and sat down to pee. I just happened to look up, and there, in the corner was the biggest fricking tree roach i had ever seen. Sweet baby Jesus. I almost passed out. SMM was asleep, and I was all alone with the filthy thing. I swear to you, people, it was about 4 inches long. (I'm about to pass out just thinking about it. I need a chewable Valium necklace.) I didn't know what to do, so I picked up a pair of Jenna's jeans that were on the floor, and threw them at that bastard. I literally had tears in my eyes and I was about to go into cardiac arrest. When I hit that damn thing, it raced to the other side of the ceiling. I hit it again, and that fucker FLEW straight for my head. So there I was, in the bathroom, swinging around a pair of children's 6-slim jeans, screaming my head off, with a flying tree roach. I'm surprised SMM didn't walk into the bathroom this morning to find me knocked out with a roach on the ceiling. Whilst I was flailing about, I must have hit the thing and he fell to the floor. I laid him out. THEN, I had to pick him up with a wad of toilet paper and I could still feel his crusty body through the folds. Good Lord.

I didn't sleep well at all. I HATE TREE ROACHES. Dirty little fuckers. I'm cutting down every tree in my yard.

Mar 27, 2008

Over in Oz

So, i just got off the phone with my best friend, who now lives in Australia. I have decided that I cannot ever live in Australia. The price of Diet Coke is horrible, and to me, it would be akin to a drug habit. And, for all you Mountain Dew drinkers: there is NO caffeine in the Dew!! OH, TRAVESTY!!!

Mar 25, 2008

A letter to my sister

Dear "Aunt Nan,"

That's in quotes because that's what my chicks call you, but i think you may be the devil. You live in San Diego. I live in Houston. Will you please let me in on how you're drugging my children? Particularly, the oldest one. Let's get something straight right now: I'M the mommy; therefore, I am the favorite female. Period. When mom was out there visiting you last week, she bought Jenna a safari book. Jenna loves it. I mean, really, it involves cheetahs, so it's not a huge shocker that the kid wants to snuggle up with it like a favorite blankie. However, a child should not say this: "I love this book. Do you know why i love it mom? Because my Aunt Nan touched it. I love my Aunt Nan."

I GET IT ALREADY! Jesus.

Mar 19, 2008

More Spring Break

Look! We flew kites.
Kind of. Okay, not really. Man, what is it with kites these days? They just don't work. Lazy bastard kites.



[Warning: Objects in picture are larger than they appear (but not much)].

So, I let the kids drive, instead.
Look at that concentration.


And lo, there were cheetahs

And the mother prayed fervently to God, "Please, please, oh Lord, don't let my air-conditioning unit crap out and leak all through my ceiling before my husband has a chance to get up there and unclog the drain pan himself!" Oh, wait...different post. ~Exuent~

[Take 2]

And the mother prayed fervently to God, "Please, please, oh Lord, let it be that the Houston Zoo has realized it's shortcomings as a cheetah-less environment, and let there be cheetahs! I beg of you Lord, I can no longer stand the mewing of my Cheetah-loving-child that she is irreversibly and emotionally damaged because we did not take the trek to San Diego to view the cheetahs at the San Diego Zoo Wildlife habitat. Please Lord, have mercy on my soul. Just. Let. There. Be. Cheetahs." And the mother collapsed, silently mouthing the words, "Cheetahs. God, please. ChEEETAAAAHSSsssssss....."

And, on the third day of Spring Break, the mother took her chicks to the Houston Zoo.

Many animals were to be seen at the zoo:

The flamingos, with their not-to-be-found-in-nature coloring (but I guess, since they ARE in nature, then it is to be found...I digress.):


The regal lions in all their glorious napping:


And, of course, that weird animal that looks like a mix between a horse and a giraffe, but has a stripey butt:


Then, we rounded the corner of the giraffe exhibit, and lo, there were CHEETAHS. And the earth did rejoice.



And the girl jumped and danced and giggled and shouted, and all the people did look about at the crazy child who was calling to the cheetahs in their native growl-that's-not-really-a-growl-because-cheetahs-don't-growl-but-make-this-little-chirpy sound. And the people continued to look, because God likes to keep it a secret that cheetahs don't growl so everyone thought the little girl was just a strange kid making a random chirpy sound at the cheetahs. BUT...oh but...the little one didn't care. The small child has finally, oh-thank-you-God, FINALLY seen a real, live cheetah. And the earth is now at peace.

THE END

P.S. Being able to see Jenna's expression when she saw those cheetahs---seriously: PRICELESS. And i know that word is overused these days (thanks, Mastercard), but i can't think of another adjective to convey that feeling. It was just phenomenal (hey look! There's the 'other' adjective). And people, I was so proud of my daughter when she had a group of adults around her while she explained to them why there are dogs in the cheetah habitat, where they can go to learn more about cheetahs, and why they should donate money to the Cheetah Conservation Fund. She's a mini-zooligist.

So now, everyone go to http://www.cheetah.org/ and donate money and/or adopt a cheetah or a guard dog. Jenna's cheetah is D'Artagnan. Tell him she says, "Hi!"


Oh look: More pictures....
"The Toothless Wonder": Meaning, we wonder, "HOW does she eat?"
Ready for the carousel ride.
The chicks in the bird aviary.
Chicks...Bird aviary...bwahahaha! Not funny?


In the tunnel that goes through the coral reef.

Mar 13, 2008

A wish for my children

To my children:

Of course, I wish happiness and love in your life. More than that, I wish that you never ever have a job wherein you have to attend 12 meetings in one week and listen to stupid bullshit like "economic icons," "client direction," "compliance," and "template." If you do, I will pay you to quit your job, and you can live with me until you find something to do where you can actually use the brain that God gave you.

Meanwhile, I'll just sit here and stare blankly at this presentation and listen to the droning voice of someone over my speakerphone.

Love you bunches,
Mom