I love Texas. I love the rolling hills, the open praries, the bustling city, and the stinky ocean. Hell, I even love the sweltering summers. But if I could, I would move. "But why, Stewbie?" you may ask. Because. I HATE TREE ROACHES.
I have my house treated with insecticide every 4 months. Every 4 months, a company comes and treats the outside of my house, and then comes in and sprays the inside. I have no spiders, ants, earwigs, or any other little creepy-crawly thing. But i have the occasional tree roach. And there is not a damned thing anyone can do about it.
Last night, SMM and I retired early--about quarter-til 10. He went to bed first--I had to do my rounds: take my pill, turn on the bathroom light, kiss my Jenna, kiss my Clairey. I went into our room, shut the bathroom door, and sat down to pee. I just happened to look up, and there, in the corner was the biggest fricking tree roach i had ever seen. Sweet baby Jesus. I almost passed out. SMM was asleep, and I was all alone with the filthy thing. I swear to you, people, it was about 4 inches long. (I'm about to pass out just thinking about it. I need a chewable Valium necklace.) I didn't know what to do, so I picked up a pair of Jenna's jeans that were on the floor, and threw them at that bastard. I literally had tears in my eyes and I was about to go into cardiac arrest. When I hit that damn thing, it raced to the other side of the ceiling. I hit it again, and that fucker FLEW straight for my head. So there I was, in the bathroom, swinging around a pair of children's 6-slim jeans, screaming my head off, with a flying tree roach. I'm surprised SMM didn't walk into the bathroom this morning to find me knocked out with a roach on the ceiling. Whilst I was flailing about, I must have hit the thing and he fell to the floor. I laid him out. THEN, I had to pick him up with a wad of toilet paper and I could still feel his crusty body through the folds. Good Lord.
I didn't sleep well at all. I HATE TREE ROACHES. Dirty little fuckers. I'm cutting down every tree in my yard.