Mar 12, 2009

Thinking, and thinking some more...

It's been 4 weeks that i've been without a job. Four LONG weeks. I hate not working. I really, really do. I've always thought, "Man, I wish i didn't have to work," but now that i'm not, i miss it. However, I think the difference may be that i actually HAVE to work--if i were independently wealthy, then i probably wouldn't care so damn much if I sat at the computer, looking through the window, wondering (simultaneously) if the rain's ever going to fucking stop and if i'm going to lose my house. I'm also wondering how it can be 85 degrees one day, then 50 the next. I mean, come on now.

I'm really not a whiner. I don't complain when i'm sick (although i'm never really sick, so there's nothing to complain about), I haven't really complained much about losing my job. I'm really and truly a HAPPY, HAPPY person. But on Tuesday night, I cried. I was all by myself in my living room, and i sat on my couch, and cried. I was crying because a) i don't like not working b)i don't like not making any money c)i don't like spending my savings d)i don't want to lose my house. But the main thing...the MAIN thing i was upset about was, if i lose my house, my girls would lose their bedrooms. So, essentially, I was bawling (quietly) that Clairey would have to give up her perfectly pink princess bedroom that she loves, and Jenna would have to give up her turquoise rock-and-roll bedroom. I just was thinking how much it would break their hearts. Then I walked into the bathroom, looked at myself, and called myself a retard.

I know damn well that i will work 2 jobs to be able to stay in this house. I have been very fortunate over my career to have advanced in both position and salary. I've been wondering if i'm really talented in what i do, or if i've just been lucky over the past...what...14 years. I was talking with a very good friend of mine yesterday, who also got layed off, and we were discussing what's going to happen if we DON'T get jobs soon. We got to we were sitting in her hot tub with mojitos. Right there, that told us something: We're MUCH better off than most. We have roofs over our heads, mojitos in the fridge, and a hot tub.

So, I reevaluated my "worst-case scenario." Here it is: I don't find a job paying what I used to make by the middle of April, therefore, using all my savings to pay for my house and bills. In May, i'll start teaching full-time at the college, making nearly 50% less than what I WAS making, and will have to wheel and deal with my creditors. My credit will, most likely, be screwed. Bottom line: I'll still have a home for my babies. There will be food on my table.

I still won't have a back fence.

You win some, you lose some.

Not too bad. Better than most. I'll make it just fine.

I'm not saying that i won't cry again. I will. But that's okay.

1 comment:

TitanKT said...

Oh Steph... I know this worry. I'm SICK today because of my car. It just randomly decided to quit running off an on, like... while I was driving and stuff. It's a 19 year old car and it's not shocking that it might have issues. I've maintained it as well as I can, but it's still a 19 year old car. In the meantime, I don't have wads of cash in my account to spend on fixing it and now is SOOOOOOOOO not the time to try and buy anything else... because even though I do have a job at the moment, that COULD be over in just a couple of months. I'm praying for you and I'm praying for me. Praying very hard. And yes, counting blessings and remembering to be grateful for that I DO have... but still praying. Praying, praying, praying.