May 12, 2005

A whale of a tale. No, really.

Nancy was smarter than what I gave her credit for. Nancy introduced me to the Atkins diet back in 1997. Nancy was also a rude, fat cow, that wore bright-blue eyeshadow, and liked to sneer at me from behind the cash register. Nancy didn't like me. I didn't like Nancy. It was a mutual hatred.

I was 22, Nancy was in her late 40s. We were working in a Christian store in Old Town Spring--a bevy of Victorian houses, turned into little cutesy stores--a magnet for buses full of old people, and bored, stay-at-home moms. We had to wear these crappy "jumpers." They were long dresses that came in a bunch of I'm-90-and-own-50-cats type prints. They were hideous, but very comfortable. A lot of school teachers bought them. Not that I have anything against school teachers, but apparently, there are many badly-dressed ones out there. Especially in Spring, Texas. So, here I am, a new, young, bride, working in a senior-citizens camp, wearing a potato sack with pictures of "country bunnies" on it, and being given the evil-eye by a 350-lb woman with a mustache. Does life get any better than this?

I don't even know where I was going with this story....

Oh, yes, the Atkins Diet. One day, only Nancy and I were working. It was a Tuesday, so we could expect about 5 people in the store all day--and that's only if a nursing home was visiting. Around noon, Nancy went to go get lunch and came back with McDonald's. She had a double-quarter pounder with cheese, a super-sized fries, two fried apple pies, and a super-sized coke. Seriously, people, this woman was just a waddling billboard for a heart attack. As we're sitting there--me, eating my yogurt, trying hard not to puke because watching Nancy eat her fries is like watching a T-Rex tear into an unsuspecting Brontosauraus--she unwraps her slab-'o-meat, cheese and mustard/ketchup mix crawling down the side, and proceeds to remove the top bun. I looked at her, a bit confused, not only by the removal of the bun, but by the bits of fry-salt stuck in her lady-stache. Sensing my confusion, she says, "I take the top bun off--it's less calories that way." AND THE ATKINS DIET WAS BORN.

(You may now break into wild applause.)

Good thing she took the top bun off of the DOUBLE-QUARTER-POUNDER WITH CHEESE. That way, she could finish her super-sized fries, and eat her two fried apple pies without feeling guilty.

Cripes.

6 comments:

void said...

Did you see this on the WordWhiz blog?

steelcowboy said...

And of course, she washed it down with a Diet Coke?

stewbie2 said...

Mike, that scared the hell outta me. Thanks.

void said...

That's what I wrote WordWhiz; I expect nightmares for a month ... maybe longer ... naw, I will need therapy ... definitely some bacon strips in those drawers. Ewwww ...

Airelee said...

They look like weeble wobbles!

Kim said...

So you've met my sister in law, eh? She's a keeper ain't she? ***runs off to find a way to work lady-stash into her next post***