For years now, I've let you go on your merry way, filling up the first floor snack machine with delicacies such as "Double-Barrel Beef Sticks," "Mrs. Freshley's Chocolate Mound," and "Tom's Dunkin' Sticks." Rarely, rarely was there ever a treat in that machine that caught my eye. Well, I'll admit, I have a liking for the coconut doughnut gems. They're my favorite. Anyways, like I said, RARELY have you tempted my coins with your flashy-packaged snack food. Until today. Today, as I microwaved my Healthy Choice meal, I glanced over to the snack machine. Whilst my lunch bubbles and boils in the microwave, I like to go make small-talk with the snacks. You know, just to see how those "Chili-Cheese Fritos" are doing, or to tell the "Hot Fries" not to give up, that SOMEONE will certainly drop sixty cents to indulge in their spicy goodness. However, today I was taken aback. Apparently, YOU, Mr. Snack Machine Filler-Upper Man, have a conspiracy against me. A conspiracy, if you will, against my weight-loss plan. There, in row C, occupying slots C1, C2, C3, and C4, was an obvious attack on my person.
First, in C1: A Snickers bar. Packed with peanuts, it's just so satisfying. Especially since they're celebrating their 75th anniversary! How do I turn away from such a celebration?!
Second, in C2: A Three Musketeers. This is a candy-bar like none other--it has 75% less fat than the leading candy bar! Did you hear that?! 75% less fat than the LEADING candy bar! I'm not sure which candy bar's in the lead, but it has a lot more fat than the Three Musketeers!
Third, in C3: Reese's Pieces. These bring a tear to my eye. When I see these, I just want to "phone home," and remind everyone that "I'll be right there." I also have a great need to create a path with them, then gingerly pick them up, using only three of my fingers.
Last, but definitely not least, in C4: Kit Kat. Please, won't someone just gimme a break? Gimme a break! Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar! I feel compelled to break each bar away from the other, and nibble off the chocolate ridge that it leaves, saving the wafery-goodness until the end.
So you see, by using row C, columns 1 through 4 to house my favorite snacks, you may corrupt both me and my diet. Oh, I'm holding on strong now, Snack Machine Man, but I have loose change on my desk, and it's begging to be put to use.
In closing, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, and I ne'er shall revoke my hate until you stock the entire machine with either disgusting fare, or healthy snacks.
I hate you, still,
Stephanie E. Townsend