May 19, 2005

Dear Snack Machine Filler-Upper Man,

For years now, I've let you go on your merry way, filling up the first floor snack machine with delicacies such as "Double-Barrel Beef Sticks," "Mrs. Freshley's Chocolate Mound," and "Tom's Dunkin' Sticks." Rarely, rarely was there ever a treat in that machine that caught my eye. Well, I'll admit, I have a liking for the coconut doughnut gems. They're my favorite. Anyways, like I said, RARELY have you tempted my coins with your flashy-packaged snack food. Until today. Today, as I microwaved my Healthy Choice meal, I glanced over to the snack machine. Whilst my lunch bubbles and boils in the microwave, I like to go make small-talk with the snacks. You know, just to see how those "Chili-Cheese Fritos" are doing, or to tell the "Hot Fries" not to give up, that SOMEONE will certainly drop sixty cents to indulge in their spicy goodness. However, today I was taken aback. Apparently, YOU, Mr. Snack Machine Filler-Upper Man, have a conspiracy against me. A conspiracy, if you will, against my weight-loss plan. There, in row C, occupying slots C1, C2, C3, and C4, was an obvious attack on my person.

First, in C1: A Snickers bar. Packed with peanuts, it's just so satisfying. Especially since they're celebrating their 75th anniversary! How do I turn away from such a celebration?!

Second, in C2: A Three Musketeers. This is a candy-bar like none other--it has 75% less fat than the leading candy bar! Did you hear that?! 75% less fat than the LEADING candy bar! I'm not sure which candy bar's in the lead, but it has a lot more fat than the Three Musketeers!

Third, in C3: Reese's Pieces. These bring a tear to my eye. When I see these, I just want to "phone home," and remind everyone that "I'll be right there." I also have a great need to create a path with them, then gingerly pick them up, using only three of my fingers.

Last, but definitely not least, in C4: Kit Kat. Please, won't someone just gimme a break? Gimme a break! Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar! I feel compelled to break each bar away from the other, and nibble off the chocolate ridge that it leaves, saving the wafery-goodness until the end.

So you see, by using row C, columns 1 through 4 to house my favorite snacks, you may corrupt both me and my diet. Oh, I'm holding on strong now, Snack Machine Man, but I have loose change on my desk, and it's begging to be put to use.

In closing, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, and I ne'er shall revoke my hate until you stock the entire machine with either disgusting fare, or healthy snacks.

I hate you, still,
Stephanie E. Townsend

5 comments:

steelcowboy said...

Aye, the bane of so many of us.. our conspiring snack man has loaded the dreaded Take 5! Bar... damn him!

void said...

Aren't you afraid the snack man will forward this post to Dr Agatston?? You are busted, girl!!

Airelee said...

You had me at Twinkie, but this post was even funnier! It never occurred to me to wonder what the leading candy bar is. I think it's Snickers.

(oh, and if "Townsend is truly your last name, well, once upon a time not too long ago it was almost *my* last name as well.)

stewbie2 said...

Yep, it truly is my last name.

Robin said...

I could never resist the captain's crackers with the cour cream and chives filling. They got me (and I got them) every time. That and the plain m & m's.