Welcome to a new era

6:00am-the alarm goes off. Instead of emitting a high-pitched, resonating beep, it plays the sound of a trickling brook, with the intermittent tweets of birds. This sound is MUCH more alarming than the beep because the sound of the trickling makes you think you're about to pee the bed, and the birds, well, they're BIRDS for God's sake. I saw the Hitchcock film when I was five and it scared the fuck out of me. For years, my mom would pretend that birds were attacking her and plucking her eyeballs out. Gee...THANKS mom. Now I'm on anti-psychotic drugs. Wonder why. Anyways, at this same time, Claire starts crying from the front bedroom. Our house is small, and with the baby monitor in our room, we get the crying in stereo. It's a nice touch.

6:03am: As I step out into the living room, I notice that it's ice-frickin cold. Making my way to the front of the house, I realize that it's because the door to the garage has been opened, thereby chilling the front of the house--including the girls' bedrooms--to a lovely 65 degrees. I can't wait to get the gas bill. Seeing that the thermostat resides right next to the garage door, the damn heater's been running all night, I'm sure. Claire's standing up in her crib, jumping up and down, trying to keep warm. I grab something for her to wear, a clean diaper and wipe, and bring her back to our room, passing the kitchen, where the cat's holding a meat-cleaver, trying to break the ice in her water bowl.

6:15am: Claire's dressed, albeit screaming, because she wants to play "You're-a-mommy-gorilla-and-I'm-the-baby-so-I-want-you-to-carry-me-around-on-your-back-and-never-set-me-down-not-even-when-you-have-to-pee." It's a fun game. But, because I DO have to pee, I have to set her down, which elicits mind-numbing screaming and floodwaters of tears. All because I'm 10 feet away from her. In the bathroom. Peeing. I'm a horrible mother, I know.

6:25am: Claire has calmed down, mom's bladder is empty, so it's time to wake up Jenna. Not far to go, because she's sleeping on the floor next to my side of the bed. Her usual spot. I poke her on the butt with my finger. "GO AWAY!!" It's alive! I take off the covers. A primal scream ensues, with yet another "GO AWAY!!"

6:30am: I go in for the kill. I take off the blanket and pick her up--feigning snuggle time. She falls for it, but quickly catches on to my plan, as she feels me trying to slide a pair of pants on her. This results in a kicking, screaming tantrum. I start to get her dressed, while dodging kicks, scratches, and flying plush Simbas.

6:45am: Pissed, grumpy, and sullen, Jenna is finally dressed, combed, and ready to go. Claire has been taking all of this in. The entertainment is all here.

650am: Kids and husband are gone, now it's my turn to get ready for work.

See? I start the day just like everyone else!