Death becomes her

My mom makes the best homemade chicken soup ever. She throws a carcass in a pot, and out comes this miraculous, and ever-so-tasty concoction. If I ever threw a carcass in a pot, I would end up with "carcass-in-a-pot." However, since boneless, skinless chicken breasts don't come with "carcass," I will never make my own soup. Whole chickens take too damn long to cook, so they're not allowed in my house.

So, mom's soup is delish. Which is surprising, since she's only 49. I thought you had to be at least 60 to make good, home-cooked food. Shocking. However, because she IS so young, she's also still bright up in the cranial region, so I can see how she would have thought of this...She's trying to kill me. Oh yes. My own mother. Trying to kill me. I realize I was sassy in highschool, but I'm not anymore. Maybe a little bit, but not much. Just sometimes. Okay, okay, so I'm a sarcastic bitch. Who cares?!

I'm sitting here at my desk, eating my chicken soup, thinking, "God of all gods, HOW did I end with with such a fantastic chicken-soup-making mother?" when something lodged itself in my throat. It was such a sharp pain, that I thought, finally, someone had heard me muttering, "Please, fucking kill me," while I was editing, and was granting my wish. But no. After hacking and clawing at my throat for what seemed like eternity, a chicken bone launched out of my throat and landed near my keyboard.

A chicken bone. In my soup. THAT MY MOTHER MADE ME.

I know you're reading this thinking, "Surely, stewbie, you jest?" And I tell you: NO. I do NOT jest with you, frail internet reader. My mother, my own flesh and blood, has poisoned me with the bone of a fowl. A support of a bird most revolting!(Okay...this is becoming a little too Shakespearian...).

I look into my tupperware bowl, and there are bones everywhere! Bones galore! So, to my mom, I say: Jeez, mother! Bones? I mean, Christ! Couldn't you have just put arsenic on my powdered donuts ala "Flowers in the Attic"? I know I'm not your favorite, but hasn't this gone a little too far?!

Just for the record, she told me there were bones in it, but she also told me THEY WERE SOFT ENOUGH TO CHEW! What a lying bitch.

xoxox