Feb 4, 2005

I'm your Venus, I'm your fire...

There's a point in every woman's life when she must ask herself, "Where, oh where, is my fake penis?" Yes, you read correctly: FAKE PENIS. Read it again if you must. FA-HAAAAKE PEEEE-NIIIIIS. Got it? Good.

A certain sister of mine ordered some "adult novelties," if you will, from a sordid website. The complete order entailed 2 DVDs, and the aforementioned fake penis, which, if we go by its technical name, is the "Rotating Venus Penis." From here on out, it shall be refered to as The Penis.

The Penis was ordered, along with the DVDs, and was shipped 2-day. When my sister didn't receive her "package" (no pun intended), she looked up the tracking number and saw that it had been delivered. She called UPS, and they said that it was delivered to the store below her apartment, and was signed for by someone there. Swiftly, she picked up the phone and instructed her boyfriend to go down to the store to pick up The Penis package. He did so, and to his chagrin, they said that there was no package.

Shannon--I mean, my sister--calls UPS back and asks "What do I do now?"

*And this, my friends, is where it gets good.*

The kind lady on the other end (who is probably a sweet, little, church-going lady) begins to type, and then asks Shannon, "What were the contents of the package?" Shannon nearly has cardiac arrest, but thinks she can cover it: "Two DVDs and...well, two DVDs." She hears the lady begin typing again. Then that sweet lady asks, "And the titles?" OH. THE. HORROR. So my sister says the names of the DVDs, omitting the fun parts, like "pussy," "wet," and "with explosive, clit-throbbing cum shots." (Mom--I said "pussy," "clit," and "cum"--sorry.)

She gets through this horrible questioning, then the UPS lady asks, "What's the name of the company you ordered it from, and what's their phone number?" So, Shannon sighs and gives her the requested information, not too embarrassed, because the hooker-site has an unassuming acronym that it uses so wives don't know their husbands are buying cheap porn when they see the credit card. She thinks this trauma is over, when the UPS lady says, "Okay Miss Stewart, I'm going to put you on hold while I contact the company to let them know the order was lost." At this point, Shannon knows she's screwed (again, no pun intended). She's put on Hold, while the UPS lady calls the company. After a few minutes, the UPS lady gets back on the phone. By now, Miss UPS knows EXACTLY what was in the package, and WHERE Shannon bought it from.

"Um...Miss Stewart?"
"Uh, we'll do everything we can to find your package. Just keep in contact with us."
"Thank you."

After hanging up with this lady, Shannon should have gone to the window, opened it wide, and yelled,

"Hey New York City! Whoever has my fake penis, bring it back to me!"

So someone, somewhere in New York, is using my sister's fake penis and watching her dirty DVDs. Some bum, in some dark alleyway, is happy because he finally has the "Rotating Venus Penis."

I wonder if they could do a CSI episode about this?

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