I'm the next American Idol

I am addicted to "American Idol." I'm not sure exactly what draws me into that show, but when I hear that familiar tune, my eyes glaze over like a couple of Krispy Kreams and I'm all about "the NEW American Idol!" Maybe it's Ryan Seacrest's cheeky little puns, or maybe it's the raw talent exhibited on the stage. Ha! Who the hell am I kidding?! I watch it because I like to see people make total fools of themselves. On live tv. In front of bazillions of people. Jackasses.

There's nothing more fun than hearing a person say, "I'm the next American Idol because...uh...because I'm a nice person and would be a good influence on kids." Yeah, SURE. Micheal Jackson was a nice person, and although he influenced kids, I think he "influenced" them a little too much, if you know what I mean. Those judges have to be so sick of hearing that answer. It's like that crappy Miss USA standard: "I want world peace." Sure you do, you Barbie. If you got up there and said what you really wanted, people would pass out in the stands: "I want a rich boyfriend with a nice-sized peter." Oh, I'm sorry, you wouldn't say that because you're so virginal and sweet. You'd say "ninny" instead. Anyways, back to Idol.

What those judges are REALLY need, is someone to come in and say, "I'm the next American Idol because I can lip synch with the best of them. I know I have no talent, but I have an awesome ass and a tattoo above my butt crack that makes me feel mysterious. I believe that I can influence young girls around the world to want to be like the production-line-image you want me to be, and will give little boys boners. Pick me, and I will be yours to mold into the image you want." Bingo. There's our next American Idol.