Jan 19, 2005

The story about the baby who wants boobies who just won't stop crying for the boobies because she MUST. HAVE. THE. BOOBIES.

Okay, so I have this friend, and this friend told me about a girl she knows that has a baby that wants boobies all the damn time. The poor girl gets NO sleep, because the boobie-coveting baby only wants HER. I mean, what IS it about the boobs? It's not like they're spewing forth Apple Jacks, which the baby LOVES (and I only know this because my friend of the girl that has the baby that I'm talking about told me), or anything. And this baby, from what I hear, is so tired, that she's screaming for "b-b-b-b-b-b-boooooooooob-b-b-b-b-b-ies!!" at the top of her lungs with her eyes closed, while simultaneously stuffing a fat, pudgy hand down the mom's shirt, feeling for the warm boobies. So, telling the baby that the "boobies are all gone" just does not suffice, because the baby KNOWS the boobies are there and can prove it by grabbing them. So anyways, this baby woke up at 3am screaming for the boobies and starts pulling up the mom's shirt to get them. Yes, the baby was in bed with the mom, but it wasn't the mom's fault. You see, the DAD was supposed to move the baby back into the baby's bed after the baby fell asleep, but HE DIDN'T. The dad said that as soon as he touched the baby, the baby started crying, and because the dad is a shit-head wuss that can't handle a crying baby, he just left the baby sleeping next to mom when he KNEW damn well that if the baby woke up lying right frickin' next to the milk bar that the baby would go in for a hit off the keg. For crying out loud, man! What's your fuckin' problem?! Are you a moron? Apparently, since the dad has never had a small mammal attached to his boob for SEVENTEEN months, he has no understanding of what the mom's going through. So this poor, tired mom takes the screaming baby into the baby's room, kisses the baby (when she really wants to bite off the baby's head so it will be quiet), and places the baby in the crib with the binkie and the fishtank and the special pooh-bear that all promised to put the baby to sleep on the packages that they came in. Liars. All of them. Dirty, rat-bastard, fucking liars. The mom then retreats back to the master bedroom, where she steps over her other kid (who is sleeping on the floor next to mom's bed because this kid also wants mommy 24/7), and gets into bed. She tells her husband that if the boob-baby is still crying after 20 minutes, that HE will have to get up and go comfort said baby. After 20 minutes, the baby is STILL crying, so husband gets up (sulkingly, she said) and tromps off to the baby's room. Over the monitor, the mom hears the dad comfort the baby in his comforting way, "What the heck is your problem?!" Which was said to the baby in a manner that would be confused with speaking to a teenaged, drug abuser. After baby continues to scream, the dad walks back into the master bedroom, fumbles around in the bathroom (leaving on the light), then goes into the closet and pulls out a shirt. The mom looks at him and says, "What are you doing?" and the dad, in all his childish glory, states, "She's not going to stop screaming, and it's already 4 o'clock, so I'm just going to get ready for work. There's no point in going back to sleep for 2 hours." I'm serious. SO SERIOUS. Mom, gets up, goes into the baby's room, picks up the baby and loves on her (but doesn't give boobies) until both baby and mom fall asleep in the twin bed in the toddler's room (remember, the other kid is sleeping in the master bedroom on the floor) around 530 am. Dad, of course, went back to sleep in the soft, comfy, queen-size bed, without a 17-month-old attached to his head like a koala. At 630am, mom was awakened by dad poking her in the head with his fat finger: "Wake up. It's 630." So mom gets up, gets the kids ready for the sitter's, and gets everyone out the door. Everybody is happy and rested. Except for the mom.


And, just so you know, NO, this story isn't about me. I would never say FUCK.

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