Aug 10, 2005

Don't scare me so early in the morning

Remember in highschool science lab, usually tucked in the back corner, you would find the "eyewash" stand? Do you remember that? No one ever had to use it--at least not while I was there. Nothing ever exploded or fizzled over, or jumped into my eye--it just didn't happen. Then again, the most "potent" potion I recall brewing up was homemade icecream in physical science. Regardless, it is my firm belief that all companies/institutions should have an eyewash stand. On each floor. After what I saw in the elevator this morning, my eyes are still tearing and burning and the image, unfortunately, is scorched upon my retinas.

*Hang on...I need coffee and oatmeal if this story is to continue...

Okay, I'm now armed with Maple and Brown Sugar and a cup of joe...where was I? Oh yes, the elevator. SO, I'm in the elevator minding my own business, when another woman gets on. I'm not one to remark on what people are wearing, but....okay, I AM one to remark....

Anyways, my eyes take her in from head to toe. Bright, bright red hair. Actually, more fuschia than red. Styled in the retro, Susan Powter style (read: extremely short, and spiky all over). Lots of gel going on there. Face: wrinkled, but professionally spackled with builders-grade putty. The makeup is so thick, that you can actually see the build-up on her face. Tons of eye-makeup--it's "smoldering" and "smoky"--like she's going to a cabaret. Lips: Hot pink. Oh. VERY. HOT. PINK. And the lipliner was visibly bleeding towards her nose--gotta mention that. The shirt, well, I'll save the shirt for last, because it's the best part. The pants: pre-faded, tapered jeans--high-waisted. Shoes: Teva-inspired, but with a 3" sole. And now...the shirt--drumroll, please.

It's a company t-shirt. I know this, because I have one. They handed them out at an "all employee meeting" about 2 years ago. It's pretty plain--company logo on left chest area, bright green box on the back with something scrawled in it--it's your basic "company-inspired" t-shirt. She was wearing this. BUT, and here it is, it had been MODIFIED. Oh yes, my friends. MODIFIED. When these shirts were handed out, you had a choice of two sizes: L and XL. I chose the L, and it's big. Looking at this woman, I can only guess that there's a poor 4-year old somewhere, crying, missing his shirt because this woman stole it. Her shirt had been altered in the "flash dance" style. It was CROPPED, people, CROPPED. Cropped where she obviously had to have taken scissors to it and then rehemmed it, for God's sake. Not only was it cropped, exposing her belly, but it was "fitted," if you will. Hugging her perky, cantaloupe boobs like white on rice. I would say the bottom hem of the shirt was about an inch away from exposing the underside of her boobies. Let me remind all of you that she's wearing this to work. WORK! A place of business!

Now I know all of you have this vision in your mind, and it may not be all that bad, and you're thinking, "So, a hot chick modified her shirt to look hotter, big deal?" Au contraire my friends. I hate to hurt you so early in the morning, but this "hot chick" could get the senior-citizens discount at the local diner. The only thing "hot" about her, was her menopausal hormones. Now believe me, I've seen several older woman that look fantastic--this was not one of them. This scared me.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

hahaahah. I've got one too. This morning I was walking behind a lady who wore a shirt that buttoned down the back. Only problem was that she couldnt reach all the buttons so the first two buttons were done as well as the last button, but all 6 six in the middle of her back were left undone and you could see her whole back and her bra. "Hey lady, dont you feel the draft coming in?" I'm sure someone in her office will tell her.
--Nikki

Lisa said...

Why I am thinking, 'Cyndi Lauper..the golden years???'

MonoCerdo said...

I don't even know where to begin with this post, it's so impossibly funny. I lost it at the "builders-grade putty" and I didn't pull it together until sometime after the "perky, cantaloupe boobs."

P.S. The Maple and Brown Sugar is my favorite!

void said...

I'm with you here. Why does aging gracefully escape some people?? It's sad - striving to be the perpetual 18 year old - I'd rather be wiser.

Golightly said...

EWWW

LMAO: Cyndi Lauper..the golden years

Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

Randomly found your blog, OMG...this is hysterical. And don't worry, I realized "hot" was not a word to describe this woman as soon as you used the words "Susan Powter style".

And I must disagree with the above poster who was convinced someone in the lady's office "would tell her"... No. We routinly let one woman in our office walk around with pieces of her lunch stuck in the creavices of her mid-section. "Oh look, today was Chinese-food."

LosingSanity said...

We have a chick in the office who dresses like a prostitute, but at least she's relatively young and extremely good-looking. I wish she'd wear a bra to work, though. The jiggling is a bit disconcerting. And you can always tell if it's cold in her office.