Jul 19, 2005

My Exciting Adventures in the Non-Smoking State

I've been in California for 2 days, and I'll be damned if I'm not still on "Texas time." It's only 9:06 pm, but I'm tired as all hell. And, although I'm dead tired, I can't help but want to tell you all about My Exciting Adventures in the Non-Smoking State.

My plane was supposed to leave Houston at 530 on Sunday evening. I got to the airport at 4. Then my flight got pushed to 540. Then to 600. Then to 630. Then to 645. Then to 700. We left sometime around 830. Oh, the fun of hanging out at the airport--I had forgotten the gloriousness of it all! I actually paid $10 to have wireless internet access so I wouldn't kill the man behind me for not wearing deoderant. Nothing like chatting on IM to take your mind off of some random man's smelly pits.

We finally boarded, wherein I realized that my shameless flirting and giggling did NOT result in a first-class seat. Bastard flight attendant. I ended up in a MIDDLE seat. I'm not sure there's anything much worse. And I have to add, who the hell fits in those seats comfortably? I mean, come on. I'm not considered a "large" person, by most standards, and I can't even get comfy in those things. I have short legs, and I can barely cross them without kneeing the person in front of me in the back, and knocking down tray tables. But I digress...

That's a long damn flight. When did California move so far away from Texas? Three & a half hours on a plane, in a too-small seat, and to top it all off, we had some kind of unidentifiable-meat sandwich. Life really kicked me in the ass THAT day.

We arrived, I got off the plane, waited in an enormous line to take a bus to the rental car, and then found out I got a Grand Am. Sometimes, I'm quite sure I'm in hell. This car, which has the acceleration of a slug, is just a piece of el-shitto. The entire day had totally sucked rocks, but "at least," I thought, "I have my lovely hotel." Enter "Your day still sucks" scenario 5.

The hotel, which looks lovely on the internet, turns out to be a four-star homeless shelter. Forget the amenities it lists on the website! Here's a newly-revised list for them. I'll put it in order of what you see as you arrive, just so guests feel like they're getting a real tour:

*Lovely, faded facade. We've been here for decades, and we look like it!
*Concierge-girls who dress like amateur hookers!
*Hotel employees, changing shirts behind the counter.
*Mediocre pool--with rusted fountain. Just consider the floating rust to be litle sparkles of heaven!
*Filthy, beat-up door. Someone tried to kick it down, but we don't do drug deals anymore!
*Musty, nursing-home smell.
*Stained, "guess" carpet. "Guess" what color it is underneath all the stains!
*Nasty, grime-covered light switch. Be sure to get all your shots before arriving.
*Hair in the bed (both head, and pubic), to make you feel right at home.
*Dried shower gel on the shower wall--it's soap--how can it be dirty?
*Zip-tied mini-bar. If the zip-tie's broken, we know you were in it.

I couldn't sleep, because I was quite sure there were roaches somewhere in there.
Needless to say, I checked my happy ass outta there the next day. I checked myself into a Marriott, and now Maurice, the Marriott concierge, is my newest friend.

I'm leaving to come home tomorrow afternoon. I can't wait.


Radin said...

Wow what a day! Sometimes when bad luck comes it just pours. Looking it from outside it looks like deliberate pre-plotted comic story. Perhaps the writer wanted to joke with you and have some fun. He is all alone and sometimes gets bored.

void said...

Sounds like you've got it under control! Did you change or make sure you had a better seat assignment for the return trip?

Oh, I could relate to the four star homeless shelter - eject, eject, eject. Marriott is the way to go. Be safe.

Lisa said...


Anonymous said...

Oh . . . I can only imagine the hell you were in at that hotel. Hopefully, the last day was better and you enjoy today! Have a safe trip home :<) - Amy

Sara said...

OK, so that all sounds horrible, but you totally got me at the "nursing home smell." I'd have left right then! Glad you were able to get better accomodations.....now for the plane ride home. And think of it this way, too...at least you're going back to TX. Everything's better there :)

OCSally said...

No offense taken!

Golightly said...

I just got back from California, too! Ha--my friends were making fun of me since I was still on TX time and wanting to go to bed at 8pm, too. Which part are you in?
Word, it is the longest flight ever. I don't know about your flight but we didn't get any on-flight movie or entertainment...it was so boring.
Can't wait to hear of your tales.

Radin said...

No posts since. Are you back all in one piece, safe and sound?