Needed: Laboratory Eye-Wash Station

I've had something in my eye for...oh...about 2.5 hours now. I can't see it, but I can sure as hell feel it. It feels something akin to having a brick under your eyelid. Oh yea...Niiiiice. As long as i don't blink, i can't feel it. I'm about to use a toothpick to prop my eyelid open. I've tried to rinse it out, i've Visine-d it, i've prescription-eye-dropped it--NOTHING. I've pulled my eyelid up as far as it could possibly go and tried to look. Do you realize how difficult that is? My breath keeps fogging up the damn mirror, and then my whacked-up eye is watering, and my other eye, which is my "I-need-glasses-for-this-one" eye, is all, "What the fuck am I supposed to do now??" It looks like I'm crying, but somehow limiting it to my right eye only. It's like a frickin parlor trick: "Behold! The one-eye-crying lady!!" Except no one's ooo-ing and aaahh-ing, and the cat just keeps looking at me like I'm weird. I'm just going to throw a patch over it and pretend i'm a pirate. Arrrggghhh! I don't, however, have an eye patch. But I DO have those random nipple-cover thingys. You know...those self-adhesive "breast petals" that you stick over your nips to avoid see-through of the nipplage-area? I'm just going to stick one of those bitches over my right eye, then hope I don't get cold. I'm single-nippling it, baby. At least you won't be able to see my wonky eye.