From boobs to foobs--Part 1

I hope you all had a fabulous Thanksgiving! I know we did. Low key, restful, and fabulous. The turkey was great, we all ate too much, and just enjoyed each other. :)

So, we have new news in our household, and, as time wears on, I know that this 'news' will come out, so I figured I might as well let you guys know: I have a bad boob. I have one that's trying to kill me. Bastard boob. Of course, it's the left one--and it makes sense, because those of you that personally know me, also know that the left side of my body is completely useless. It's like having random appendages. I can't even flex my left arm--my brain doesn't make the connection on that side. I'm surprised I can walk, and not just drag my left leg like Quasimodo (of which The Munch does a brilliant impression).

Backstory:
3rd week of October: I had a hurty area on my right boob--here on out to be known as 'smart boob'--which because of the prying of my mother, I went to go get checked out. The gyn/ob felt something, as well, so she scheduled me for a mammogram.

Oct. 24th: Mammogram. It didn't hurt as much as they said. The nurse was freaking me out, saying, "I know this is going to hurt...i'm sorry..." yadda yadda yadda. It didn't hurt at all. Thumbs up to the chicks for beating the hell out of the boobs when I was nursing them--good job, ladies. The tech mammogram'd both sides, then they did an ultrasound on each side. She then told me to go wait in the 'holding room' while the doctor looked at my film. About 10 minutes later, the tech came back and said they needed to do the left side again. "The right side, you mean?" I asked, "because that's the 'bad' side." She assured me that the right side looked fine, and that they needed to redo the left side. Alrighty then. Turns out, I have 2 areas of calcification (common) in ye olde left boob. So, they scheduled 2 biopsies. P.S. Smart boob was fine--it was muscle inflammation. Most likely because i'm a badass and when i do chest presses/push ups, etc., my beasty muscles irritated it. (That's my explanation.)

Nov. 1st: I head to the Breast Center with my mom in tow. They do the first biopsy (easy-peasy), then, when they pull the contraption out of my boob, i start bleeding all over. And by 'all over,' I mean on the floor, on my arm...out of a TINY incision. It was ridiculous. The nurses were taking turns pressing on me with full body weight to get me to stop bleeding. It could have been scary, but really--these nurses were awesome (shout out to Michelle!), and although it sounds bad, it wasn't too awful. Annoying, yes. Awful and/or scary, no. One of the nurses said, "I'd like to go get your mom--do you mind if she sees your breasts?" bwahahahaaa! I looked at her and said, "She used to wipe my butt--she can see my boobs." So, mom got to come keep me company while I bled for AN HOUR AND 45 MINUTES. It was awesome. Of course, I developed a huge hematoma. It was gross. There was no way they could do the other biopsy, so nurse Michelle bound me up like a freaking china-woman's foot and sent me home. That binding was so tight, i could barely breathe.

Nov 13th: The doctor called and told me it was DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ). Basically, a "beginning" cancer that is confined to your milk ducts. After nearly 4 years of nursing these 2 kids, you would think they would've sucked it outta me. No such luck. The doctor says worst case scenario is 6 weeks of radiation. She lied. She makes me an appointment with a surgeon for a 'consultation' on 11/21.

Nov. 16th: Biopsy number two. I made sure to schedule it when my favorite nurses were there. At this point, i've had so many people touch my boobs that it's weird--but i'd like to narrow down that number to a select few. So, nurse Michele wins. Plus, she's sarcastic--I feel right at home. This biopsy goes easy--like it's supposed to. No bleeding--in and out in 2 hours.

Nov. 21: Boob man consultation time! I go meet the doctor. At this point, we've already discussed the possible options. We know with my history of melanoma (4x in 10 years), that i'm probably not on the "let's just cut it out" side of things. Plus, i'm under 40. The odds are really crappy. We find out the first area of cancer has areas that are 'microinvasive'--which means they're little jailbreaking shits that are busting out of the ducts. So they have to remove lymphnodes in my armpit, too. In the doctor's words, "There's a 99% chance that the cancer has NOT spread." Now we just hope that i'm not in that 1%. Unless we're talking about the lottery--then damn skippy--sign me up for that 1%. The first area was grade 1/2, and the second area was grade 2. The doctor says what we I planned on hearing, "Double mastectomy."

So, that's where we are. I have a consult with the plastic surgeon next week, and the surgery/reconstruction is tentatively slated for 12/17. They're moving quickly--which I appreciate. I'm fine with it--I really am. I think people (some, anyways) are expecting me to be an emotional wreck. They're just boobs. They served their purpose, and now, I get new fake ones--foobs. I keep calling them 'frankenboobs.' The good news is, my chances of reoccurance now get knocked down to 0%. Gotta love those odds!

That's it...crazy, right? I'm not a whiner, not a pity-partier, not a worrier...I'll be just fine. You can definitely feel free to pray/send positive thoughts about the lymph nodes--but save the most positive thought and prayers for my family. I don't want any of them to worry--particularly my sweet babies.