Sep 21, 2005

More peni.

That is the plural of "penises" isn't it? Peni? Pronounced, "PEEN-eye." On with the story. I actually wasn't going to post about this because it's pretty sick, but it's also pretty damn funny. No, it's sick. Just for the record, I think it's PRETTY DAMN SICK.

The bachelorette party was held at my mom's house last Thursday. Like I mentioned before, there were peni of all sorts, shapes, and sizes everywhere. The bride was drinking out of a penis-shaped sports bottle, there was a penis cake (thank you, very much), and a large penis on the entertainment center--which, was REALLY entertaining with the addition of the huge phallus.

The girls all left (me included) in the limo around 10 pm. My mom stayed behind and de-penised her home. Because it was late, she just picked up the random peni and stuffed all the penis-shaped balloons in a bag and threw them in the closet. The next evening, my children spent the night with my mom...

Saturday morning, I walk into my mom's house, and here comes Jenna--chewing on a penis-shaped white-chocolate lollipop. As I stood there, silent (for once), my engaging soon-to-be-four-year-old looks at me with those lovely green eyes, and says, "This is delicious! You wanna bite of my bone?" I looked at her, smiled, then opened my mouth and yelled, "MOTHEEERRRR!!" Mom saunters into the kitchen, looks at me, looks at Jenna, and says, "What? She thinks it's a dog bone."

Now enter Clairey. Sweet little toddler girl, waddles up to her sister, and hits her in the head with a 3ft penis balloon. At this point, I finally close the back door and stare at my children incredulously. There they are, my little cuties, each with some sort of penis in their hands. I flash forward 15 years...and nearly pass out.

I spent the next 15 minutes removing penis paraphanelia from the house--you know, putting away jumping penises, popping penis balloons, etc. Afterwards, i felt like the old lady on "Poltergeist": "This clean." Last night, I was uploading the pics from the party, and Jenna was sitting on my lap. They upload, I click on one, and of course, it's the huge penis on top of the entertainment center. Jenna smiles, points to the monitor, and says,

"Hey, that's the big bone! That's the big dog bone. Man, that other bone was delicious! I like bones, mom."

Lord, help me.


steelcowboy said...

I got one word for you:
Good luck!

Golightly said...

lmao--"What? She thinks it's a dog bone."

Lisa said...

I am about to die of laughter. OMG. Hilarious.

Radin said...

In these situations nothing helps. A single word can worsen it.
By the way I have a daughter aged 8. she has seen pictures of your daughters and just loves them. She asked me if she could be friends with your older daughter. She now has a blog I helped her set up. Her link is

void said...

"MOTHEEERRRR!!" .... you are hilarious .... thanx for the laugh I needed today!