Aug 8, 2013

For my loves

Coming up on August 15th, is the very last, and I mean VERY last, time I will have to go to the doctor for this stupid, time-consuming, life-altering, cancer crap. And I am so very happy. You may not see it in my every day, get-up-early-to-work, get-Munch-to-the-gym, love-you-the-best-I-can ways, but it's there. That eternally-happy, glad-this-is-finally-over feeling (apparently, I like hyphens today). As we get closer and closer to November, I'm getting more and more excited that it will have been a full year since this unexpected ride began...

It hasn't always been easy, but you three have made it so. We had our rough times--with Jenna being too scared to look at me after my surgery, to Clairey being sad that she couldn't sit on my lap (for a few months!), to my boy having to lift me out of bed several times a night so I could go to the bathroom. It's been a rough ride. But we're here, we made it. I'm not afraid to admit that there were times when I cried because I was tired of this. I'm not afraid that there were small moments when my heart broke wondering what you guys were going through. Just to have to say, "My mommy has cancer" or to think, Chris, that you were practically having to babysit me.

I'm so thankful for the doctor who looked right at me and said, "First of all, you're not going to die." At that moment, I knew that we could do this. I knew that anything that we had to deal with would just be a small challenge in our lives, and we would get through it together. And again, I thank that doctor for being honest, and telling me a double-mastectomy would be our best bet for a full life together. My chances of having breast cancer again, without the mastectomy, would've been around 40%. No thank you. But I also appreciate, more than anything else, that my husband never faltered. Never even took a breath when a double-mastectomy was mentioned. He didn't care. And I love him even more for that.

Over the past several months, I've come to appreciate many things at a different level--Clairey's tiny, calloused hands in mine; Jenna's long, giraffe-body trying to shove her way onto my lap; Chris' simple presence next to me...it's those little things that I love so much--they make my heart full. And it is...my heart IS full. Even on those days when i'm feeling entirely too stressed out, that our house seems like a tornado went through it, and we're quadruple booked with my job/Clairey's gym-theatre-tv stuff/Jen's modeling...those days when I feel like there's so much that there's no way I can handle it...I breathe...and I remember that I am SO LUCKY. SO blessed.

I love this life. And I'm so glad I have you.

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