I do not like public restrooms. I don't feel alone in this, because I know there are several other people who also do not like them. Public restrooms are often (1) filthy (2) smell like pee (3)smell like b.o. (4)and, just in case you forgot, FILTHY.
Honestly, I don't even like the bathrooms at work. Our work bathrooms are clean, and are always well-stocked with nice-smelling, liquid, hand-soap; an array of lotions and sprays; and the all-important potty-covers. I will NOT sit on a potty without a potty-cover. I would rather run the risk of peeing down my leg than sit on a public toilet. I wasn't so particular in college, especially after one of those nights when you're in the stall and you're TRYING to squat without touching the seat, and your hands are on the stall walls, and you're halfway laughing, and halfway chastising yourself, thinking, "I'm NEVER going to do this to myself again." Yeah, I wasn't so particular THOSE times. Half the time I'd THINK I was squatting, and then realize I wasn't. Anyways, back to the public potties...
So, I'm stuck at this intersection on the way to work, and there are construction workers everywhere. There are large trucks, orange cones, those stupid signs that say, "Give them a 'brake'." Whatever. Of course, there are also the requisite idiot drivers that don't know how to drive around construction. As soon as there's construction, those types of drivers show up. You know the ones--they see an orange cone and drive around it--right onto the CLOSED lane and then get pissed at you because you won't let them back in. Stupid asses. Hey, just ignore the neon-orange, 4-ft tall, diamond-shaped sign that says, "RIGHT LANE CLOSED AHEAD." I mean really--it COULD just be there for looks. And the little guy right there? The one with the hard hat and red, waving flag? Oh, he's just out here for the hell of it. Thought he'd spend the day waving a flag and dancing the flamenco on the freeway. That's him alright--"Freeway Flamenco Freddy." Sometimes, he wears a snazzy orange vest, too. I still didn't get to the potty part, did I...
Backtrack: intersection, construction, I'm waiting for the light to turn green... As I'm waiting for the longest-light-in-all-of-Texas to turn green, I glance to my right and not 6 feet away from me is a porta-potty. As soon as I saw it, the seafoam green door swings open, and out walks a construction worker. With a newspaper. Now, there really are only two conclusions to come to when witnessing such a thing: (1) He was taking his morning dump, (2) he just needed someplace private to read his morning paper. I'm going with number 1.
What amazes me about this whole scenario, is that I have a hard time going PEE at work. If there is anyone else in the bathroom, I do what I call the "pee-pee dance" (which also doubles as the "green light" dance). I sit on the potty (on the potty-cover, obviously) and do a little wave-type dance with my hands. It's stupid, but it takes my mind off of my fellow peeing commrades, so I can go. Then THIS guy, this construction guy, actually takes a POOP in a busy intersection. I've been in a porta-potty before, and those walls aren't thick, people. It's like you're doing your business out there in the open. But this guy, apparently, sat in the middle of a busy intersection, reading a paper, taking his morning poop--ignoring all of the traffic sounds. What concentration! Can they all do that? Construction workers, I mean? Poop anywhere? That's a talent.
"Hey Joe, where's the shitter?"
"It's down there on I-10 and the 610 loop--major intersection, watch out for people merging."
"Whatever. You got a paper?"
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4 comments:
I have been known to use up 4 ass gaskets at a time...I mean who are we kidding...it's flippin tissue paper!! How protected are they???? Ick the thought of using a port-o-john makes my ass pucker....
Strange thing, Andrew and I had this conversation last weekend! No Kidding. We were driving on the 249 feeder road right before you get to Louetta and I noticed a potty right there. I mean I could have gotten out of the car and went to the restroom. I asked Andrew who in the hell would use that potty right there by all of the traffic. His reply was, "You would be surprised." I thought no, actually I wouldn't be surprised. My mind drifted back to a memory, where I was relaxing in the bathtub and the door slams open and Andrew is doing the poo poo dance, and before I could scream NOOOOOOO, he was letting it all out. Yes people, it was one of the most disgusting things that have happened to me. Weird thing, he thinks nothing about it even to this day. His motto is, "When you gotta go, you gotta go." I told him he needs to learn how to control his sphincter muscles!
Mike, I'm not exactly sure WHERE it goes, but if it comes back, could someone please notify me?
HA! You know, I worked in construction over 5 years (ok, I was the GC, but still...) and was pregnant 18 of those months and STILL never used a port-a-potty!! Oh-h-ho no! BUT, you asked the question "can they do it anywhere?" Ummm, hate to be the bearer of bad news, but YES. It's some disgusting shit. Pun intended.
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