Thoughts on the snack machine

I just spent 4 of my minutes, staring at a snack machine. I was heating up my "Healthy Choice" meal (by the way, they didn't send me another enchilada, but they DID send me a free-meal coupon), and what else can I do for 4 minutes, but stare at the snack machine. That damn snack machine. It's laced with so many delicacies, like the "Mrs. Freshley's Carrot Cake." According to the packaging, the carrot cake is one of many "fun bakery products(tm)." Sorry, but I'm not seeing the carrot cake as a "fun" bakery product. A "tasty" bakery product, yes, "fun," not so much. It was one of those big snacks, too. You know the ones, where you really feel like you're getting a deal. "Hell, yes! Now THAT'S worth my seventy-cents!" Alas, I didn't get the carrot cake, even though it promised me years of fun and a great marriage.

My eyes wandered to the 5th row, where I saw the "Double-Barrel Salami Sticks." Oh yes, DOUBLE barrel. That's a deal, too. Especially since these sticks have "NO MSG!" Yep, all caps, with the exclamation point. It's no good if you just SAY it, "No MSG." But, if you add the exclamation point, you're in a frickin double-barrel salami heaven, running back and forth to your coworkers' offices, yelling, "NO MSG! NO MSG IN MY DOUBLE-BARREL SALAMI! WOO!" and then you pretend that your double-barrel salami is a weapon and you fling that salami outta your pocket like Dirty Harry, all shoot-em-up like, right in your coworker's face. "Pow! Pow! Pow!" THEN, you blow on the ends of your salami and put 'em back in your pocket. Now, THAT'S worth of "NO MSG!"

I just have to add, that I went to the Mrs. Freshley's website, and they have another snack cake called the "German Chocolate Mound." Not "cake" or even "loaf," for God's sake. MOUND. "Yes, I'd like the 'German Chocolate Mound', please." That's just dirty. You know there's a 900-number somewhere with a woman who goes by that callname. "Thank you for calling 1-900-Sxy-Babe. Press 1 to have fun with 'Swedish Vanilla Cheeks,' press 2 to toy with 'German Chocolate Mound'..."

eta:
Here it is!


Be sure to go to Mrs. Freshley's and taste her "German Chocolate Mound." It's fun from a bakery!