The horror has set in. In exactly 17 weeks, I will be vacationing with my best friend and her husband--who just happens to be a coworker. How scary is that?! Do you understand?! Let me spell it out for you: COWORKER. Still don't get it? Let me drop a few more details of this trip: Mexico. Beach. SWIMWEAR. Ah yes, now you've got it. A BATHING SUIT. In front of a coworker. BATHING. SUIT. Will all the women in the house please hold my virtual hand and cry with me?
Yes, these people are our best friends, and yes, I know they don't care about what I look like in a bathing suit. However, they have no idea that when I put on a swimsuit I look like sausage in casing with a tropical floral print. They have no idea that when my ass is not contained within the restrictions of pants or a skirt, it explodes outwards into a bulbous, jello-y mass that rivals Santa's dear old belly. And J.Lo?? Shit, J.Lo ain't got nothin' on me! Jenny-from-the-block needs to back her little ass up because I'm in all her shiznit. Sorry...slight break in sanity there. Back to the nightmare that is my life...
There is no way to get out of wearing a bathing suit. I mean, we're going to be there for five days, and all you do while there is swim and drink at the swim-up bar, and swim, and drink at the swim-up bar, and drink, and swim, and drink, and drink. Well, we're going to have the kids, and it would be way too irresponsible to drink that much, so cut-out most of the swimming. There's just going to be a lot of bathing-suit-wearing going on. I've thought about this a great deal, and my butt is just not receptive to cover-ups either. Last time I wore a sarong on vacation, the waiters kept calling my ass "senorita" and asking it what it would like to drink. I look like I have an undeveloped twin attached to my back.
I'm just going to name it Shirley and get on with my life.
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3 comments:
HAHAHA!!! I love this post! It's only too true: I avoid swimsuits like the plague (even while spending 4 years in San Diego). I've reached the point in life where my ass sags, my hips have filled out, and I have a soft little roll on my belly: not ANY of which I'd like to flaunt to the world.
How did I solve the problem in San Diego? Well.....going to the beach typically involved much alcohol, much green-leafy herb, and a nice bonfire since we preferred to go in the evenings. When we reached the crazy point of just lounging on the beach or going into the water, clothing just "disappeared", and no one acted like they even noticed. :-)
There is always the one piece with the skirt attached. :)
-nc
OY! I feel your pain...along w/ the large ass I also have the bonus thunder thighs w/ what is possibly the WHITEST skin in the world...it's not a pretty sight. I am convinced (or in major denial)however, that I would stick oput more if I were to wear my sweats to the beach...this is what I tell myself anyway...I have perfected the "Slip off the shorts & make a mad (& I do me crazy) dash to the pool so the offending body parts are inder the cover of water ASAP"....
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