I need a vacation

We just got back from Cozumel, and now, I need a vacation. One that doesn't entail screaming/whining/crying, diapers, or swimmer's ear. Overall, this vacation was pretty good. Could've been better, but then again, I could have spent a weekend in Galveston trying to avoid needles while walking on the beach, so I won't complain.

The Hurricane Emily, Cozumel report:
For those of you who frequent Cozumel because you love the laid-back attitude, the friendly people, the gorgeous water, and the sun-drenched days, then--GOOD NEWS--Cozumel is fine--you should go back immediately.

For those of you who go to Cozumel to party it up, puke in the streets, grimace at the class of people who live there, and bitch and moan about every little thing, I hate to tell you, but we couldn't even land the plane, because Cozumel is no longer there. Shut your whining pie-hole and go to Cancun where everything is so Americanized, you don't even realize that you're in Mexico.

Okay, now that THAT'S been taken care of...

Vacation was nice. Good friends of ours traveled with us (along with their niece, who, might I add, is a fantastic young lady. She should be made a hero amongst young women and children. Seriously, what an awesome role model--I didn't think there were any "good girls" left), and although that didn't go anywhere near like I had expected a "vacation with friends who brought along a babysitter" would go, I won't complain. We had lovely dining companions for a number of meals, and that's more than we've ever had on previous visits. We certainly didn't get to hang out and watch our kids play as much as I had envisioned in my head, but I also haven't won the lottery, which I've also envisioned. I will, however, say this: I will NEVER, EVER travel with my children again, without bringing my mother. She is so much help, and I'll be damned if I haven't taken it for granted the past times she has gone with us. MOM: You are going on vacation with us every year from now on. Make arrangements. That being said, we plan on taking all proceeding vacations without children. Until, of course, they are self-sufficient, neither wears diapers, and realizing that you cannot get out of the plane while it's in flight is NOT a bad thing.

The resort was wonderful, as always. The people were courteous and friendly, and my room was clean. The drinks were plentiful and decent (all except the syrup-colada I got on the first day), and the food was not the best ever, but totally on par for an all-inclusive resort. Oh yes, and translation for all of you "never been to Mexico"-ers: Filet Mignon=Mignon Filet=cube steak. Just a tip: Always go for the fish. I've never seen a cow in Cozumel. I'm just saying...

The children were, well, they were my children. It doesn't matter where the hell they are, they always remember who they are, where they come from, and don't give a damn who knows it: So, we're on a plane and one wants to get off? SCREAM. Scream at the top of your lungs, "I want off! I want off!" While jumping on my lap. I mean, you can do that at home and I'll ignore you--not so possible on an airplane. How 'bout that seat in front of you? You kick MY seat while in your carseat, so why not just kick the piss out of the plane seat in front of you? I'm sure the passenger in seat 5e LOVES it. Oh, and you have a poopy diaper? I LOVE the timing of that--poop before the "you are now free to roam about the cabin" jargon happens. That's fun. That way, you can jump and scream on daddy's lap, while yelling "Poo-Poo!! Poo-poo! Potty!" I KNOW you have poop in your diaper, Love, but when the aisle is blocked by a feminine male, and we're still climbing in altitude, I really can't just skip over the drink cart and take you to the potty. Speaking of which, do you know how damned difficult it is to change a diaper in an airplane bathroom?? Good Lord.

You don't want to get out of the pool? Scream. No, reallly, scream louder. I like it when you scream. Throw a fit, too. That's always less embarassing. Oh, and if possible, while IN the pool, yell, "I HAVE TO GO POTTY! I HAVE TO GO POTTY!" While I applaud your efforts at not going in the pool, this is the one time I'm not going to give you the whole, "So, if she jumped off a bridge, would you, too?" speech. Just pee in the pool and don't tell me. I'll never know and we'll all be happier--not having had to dry off and carefully walk down the slippery steps into a bathroom that is teeming with humidity and wet toilet paper. Oh, and this is my favorite: I'll be honest here, I let you do things that a lot of other mothers don't. BUT, if we're in public, and I ask you to do something, be like a Nike and JUST DO IT!! {And our little secret: I thought the 3-fork tower was pretty impressive, and when you and your sister laugh that hard at the table, I really don't care.}But my God, child, LISTEN TO YOUR MOMMY!

It's really not a vacation when you have the kids. I think I looked at Scott with "love in my eyes" once. Maybe for a second or two. The rest of the time, the look was, "Man! You better get a hold of that child or I will beat your ass, and I don't mean in a good way!" I think I'm more exhausted now, than I was before we left. Whew! Now THAT'S when you know it was a good family vacation!